Me Without You
by MotherTucker
Summary: Is it truly better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? In the aftermath of their breakup, Olivia has a fleeting thought. What if she'd never accepted Ed's invitation to try the bourbon? She'll find out in an unexpected way. AlwaysTuckson
1. Chapter 1

Present day:

Olivia rolled her head from side to side trying to release some of the tension in her neck. Then she headed from the restroom back into the crowded bar.

She always hated these kinds of events, but her attendance wasn't exactly optional. Besides, this was one retirement she wasn't exactly sad about. Dodds Sr., still unable to get past Mike's death, was calling it quits.

Dodds had been a thorn in her side in recent years. He'd supported her in certain cases, but she knew his motivations were always political, and the victims came second. While she couldn't know if his replacement would be any better, she couldn't imagine it'd be worse.

There was the underlying knowledge that he would always blame her for his son's death. She accepted that blame and wore it like a blanket for months. She'd eventually put her guilt away, but every time she had to see or speak to Dodds, it slithered back around her shoulders and threatened to suffocate her. No matter who took his place, at least she wouldn't have that extra level of baggage.

Lost in thought, Olivia wasn't watching where she was going. As she tried to squeeze behind two men, one of them suddenly turned. She took a big step backwards to avoid having his beer sloshed all over her. Unfortunately, that action caused her to bump into someone at the bar behind her.

"Hey! Watch it," an achingly familiar voice called out.

 _Shit_. Olivia took a steadying breath and slowly blew it out through tightly pursed lips. Then she turned around.

"Oh," he said, his tone immediately softening. He put his glass on the bar.

"Ed," she said followed by another deep, somewhat shaky breath.

"Li... Olivia," Ed said. "I wasn't sure if you'd be here."

"Oh you know… politics," She heard the words coming from her lips and felt like she was having an out of body experience. She knew they'd eventually run into each other, but she didn't know that today would be the day.

"Of course," he said. He knew how much she hated playing the political game.

An awkward moment of silence passed. This was the first time they'd seen each other since that awful night a few months ago when they'd broken up.

It hadn't been a pretty recovery for either of them. Ed had wanted to just fall into a bottle of bourbon and erase any thought of her. But there wasn't a drink strong enough to let him forget her.

Olivia did as Olivia does. She threw herself into work, time with Noah, and avoided anything that might remind her of what she'd lost. What she'd let go.

She noticed that he looked tired. His features reminded her of the old Tucker, the one before they became friends. The one that was hard and unwavering. She couldn't blame him.

She assumed that she didn't look much better. She'd almost grown to hate sleep because it routinely brought dreams of him. She wouldn't let him see that. She'd made her decision, and she wasn't going to show any uncertainty that it had been the right one. At least not now, not in front of him in this moment.

"Surprised you're here," she said with more snark than she'd intended.

He ignored her tone and answered simply. "He invited me."

Olivia's nervousness kicked in, and she reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Ed watched with sadness remembering a time that she'd have let him be the one to do that. It was an intimate gesture, and he was no longer afforded that privilege. He wanted her to stay here next to him, so he decided to make small talk in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"How are you?" Ed said with a tilt of his head letting her know the question was sincere.

"I'm…" she started.

"Fine." They both said together.

He smirked. She blew out another steadying breath. He knew it was a technique Lindstrom had taught her. He hated being the cause of her needing to use it.

"Ed," she said, hoping that her voice didn't sound as pathetic as she felt. She missed him. Damn her heart, she couldn't help it.

"How's Noah?" He said trying to find an easier subject.

"Good, good," she answered. "He starts soccer next week."

Ed nodded. He didn't trust his voice at the moment. He'd been the one to suggest little league soccer for Noah. He'd hoped he would be the one to help Noah tie his cleats, then cheer him on at games. A dream he'd been forced to let go.

"He asks about you," Olivia blurted out. "He misses his 'Tuck' as he calls you now."

Ed gulped his next breath. Why was she telling him this? It just made the fiery ache in his gut burn that much more.

They again reached an uncomfortable silence. She bit her lip. He ground his teeth and shuffled his position a bit. It was his movement that caused her to notice the smell of smoke.

He'd quit for her. Well, really it was for Noah. The boy's little lungs couldn't handle even residual smoke, so after one bad incident, she'd put her foot down. Without hesitation, Ed agreed. And to her knowledge, he never picked up another cigarette while they'd been together. Of course that didn't matter now, so of course he could smoke. She shouldn't care.

"So," he said to break the silence.

"I, uh… I guess I should get back," she said with a nod of her head. She started to step around him.

He looked over his shoulder to where she indicated and saw Fin, Carisi and Rollins sitting at a table halfway across the bar. As painful as it was to be here, he couldn't bear to let her walk away just yet.

"Liv, wait." On impulse, he grabbed her hands and held them firmly in his.

She froze at the contact. Her eyes shot up to meet his.

He looked down at his empty glass sitting on the bar next to them. He had no idea. No plan. He just knew he didn't want to watch her walk away. Yet.

"Let me buy you a drink?"

He knew she'd turn him down.

"It's an open bar," she said flatly, but she didn't pull her hands away. Her mind was screaming at her to let go, to get out of there. Her heart kept her anchored to the spot.

"Let me order you a drink?" He challenged.

They exchanged an intense but friendly glare. You could almost call it flirting, this back and forth thing they were doing. Except this was too painful to be called flirting. This. This was a special hell for the heartbroken and star-crossed.

"I already have a glass of wine over at my table," she said breaking the spell. Her voice was firm now. She was in full Lieutenant Benson mode. She was in protection mode.

He saw the retreat in her eyes. He knew it wasn't a battle he could win.

"Okay," Ed said with resignation, letting go of her hands.

"Take care," she said as she started to move past him to rejoin her squad.

"Hey Liv…"

She stopped and looked back at him.

"You should try the bourbon. They have the Hudson Baby brand that you like."

For a millisecond, she crumbled. She was sure her heart had stopped. Why did he have to ask her that? Her bottom lip quivered, but she refused to break in front of him. Instead, she smiled sadly before heading back to her table.

Olivia told Fin to tell Dodds that she was called away and give her apologies for not saying goodbye in person. She knew he'd seen the interaction with her and Tucker and wouldn't ask questions.

Amanda and Carisi were sitting with their backs to the scene, so Olivia also gave Fin a look. Understanding her unspoken request and ever the poker face, Fin just answered with "sure, boss." Amanda asked him if Olivia was okay. Fin told her not to worry about it.

Olivia now had a single focus. Get away. Get away from the man she thought she'd left behind. Get away from the proof that she hadn't been successful in clearing him out of her head or her heart.

Ed couldn't take his eyes off of her. He felt bad that she was leaving early because of him. Despite his better judgment and the fact that she'd probably threaten to shoot him, he followed.

* * *

Olivia shoved the door open and stepped out into the cool April evening air. She only made it a few steps before the first tear fell. She'd been alright for a while, but seeing him tonight. It unhinged her.

He'd held her hands so tight. She couldn't believe how much the simple touch of his hand could be her undoing. The tears were falling freely now as she made her way to the corner to try and catch a taxi.

She was too lost in her own thoughts and heartache to hear Ed call after her. She was too lost to notice the half a dozen people shuffling around her on the sidewalk. She was too lost to notice anything.

 _"You should try the bourbon."_ He had to use that line. The one that started this whole journey.

"Dammit, Ed Tucker," she hissed to herself. "Sometimes I wish I'd never accepted that first drink. Then maybe I'd have spared us both this pain." But that wasn't really true, was it? She shook her head as the tears fell harder. It was a question she'd asked herself often over these past few months. She didn't know the answer anymore.

She was oblivious to the people and chaos around her. She didn't even see it coming.

Halfway down the block, Ed screamed her name as he ran toward her. He felt his world slow down. The past few minutes combining with the present to form one horrific vision.

When he left the bar after her, he'd spotted her easily and could tell by her posture she was crying. Then he saw the car cross the middle line and realized it was headed in her direction. A taxi pulled up to the curb at her hail, so the careening car hit it instead. But the momentum of the first car caused the taxi to jump the curb and slam into Olivia and a couple who also happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Ed thought he might have a heart attack when saw her body fly like a ragdoll across the sidewalk and into the building. He sprinted to her side. He heard someone shout to call 911 and called out to tell them that a police officer was down. He knew there had to be multiple injured, but he wanted to make sure they knew at least one cop was among them.

Somewhere in the haze, Olivia had heard people yelling. A woman had screamed. She'd imagined she heard Ed calling her name. Before she'd been able to shake herself out of it, she was catapulted violently backwards. Her body had slammed into the wall of the bodega behind her. She didn't even feel the impact.

* * *

January 2015:

Olivia woke to a dark room. She pressed her fingers to her eyes and tried to remember what she was dreaming about, but it was fuzzy. There was a taxi and someone shouting her name. She hated half-remembered dreams like that. She felt uneasy, but she didn't know why.

Taking a deep breath, she reached over to check the time on her phone. 6:15am, she likely only had 15-20 minutes before Noah woke up. She fell back onto her pillow and closed her eyes. Just a few more minutes.

The last couple months had been rough. Rollins was still dealing with the aftermath of having to testify against her former CO. Olivia and Nick were okay again, but she suspected that he was still struggling with her being his Sergeant.

The worst of it all was when she thought she might lose custody of Noah during the Pattern Seventeen case. Trying to find the right balance between her job and her son was always difficult, but that week was near impossible.

She reminded herself that it had worked out ok, and it would hopefully be very soon that she was signing the adoption papers and making it official. With that in mind, she pushed the cases and the squad from her mind and felt herself start to drift back to sleep. She knew she shouldn't because it would just make it harder when she had get up. But something about the forgotten dream compelled her.

Ten minutes later, the sounds of Noah stirring coming through the monitor woke her again. She slowly dragged herself from the bed and pulled on a robe still feeling unsettled by her dreams. Someone, a man, had been calling her name. He sounded panicked.

The weirdest thing about the dream was that she could have sworn it was Ed Tucker's voice she'd heard. Why the hell would she dream about him? What the hell did she dream about him? She couldn't remember any of the details. She shrugged as she made her way through her apartment. At least that explained why she felt so unsteady.

* * *

tbc

a/n: so? Do you want to go down this road with me? It's going to be an angsty journey, but I think Tuckson can withstand it. Let me know what you think in that little review box below...


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: Thanks so much for the initial reception to this story. Hope I do it justice! Dialogue in italics is from the show. Obviously, Dick Wolfe owns that and the characters because if I owned them… Anyway.**

* * *

January 2015

Olivia took a sharp breath as she pulled her scarf a little tighter around her neck and tried to stay warm on this bitterly cold night. It was the first "easy" day she'd had since the holidays, so she was actually headed home at a reasonable hour.

She pulled out her phone and realized it was barely after 5pm. Checking her surroundings, she noted that she was only a couple blocks from a lesser known cop bar she rarely frequented but had been to a few times. She had just enough time to have a quick drink and still surprise Lucy by getting home before seven.

Olivia knew she should just go home, but it was so rare that she got to do this anymore. A drink without the pressure of seeing anyone she really knew. Sure there were other cops, but they were mostly from the 2-4. She didn't know any of them personally.

That's why she was surprised to hear a familiar voice just minutes after she'd been served her glass of red.

"Benson, didn't expect to find you in a gin joint like this?" Ed Tucker said without a hint of irony.

"I could say the same about you," she answered. "Didn't think they allowed IAB in cop bars."

He smirked and sat down on the stool beside her.

She rolled her eyes. All she wanted was a simple glass of wine, a few minutes to pretend to watch whatever sports channel was on behind the bar, and no company.

Realizing he wasn't going away, she decided she might as well ask. "Seriously, what are you doing here?"

"I was just having a sit down with Captain Harris," Tucker said. "He's thinking about making a move and wanted some advice."

"Steven Harris?" She only knew him from his brief stint at SVU when Cragen was embroiled in scandal.

Tucker nodded.

"And he's asking you?" That was odd, she thought. Why would an NYPD Captain want Tucker's advice or help?

"I hear things. I know things," he said.

Realizing he wasn't going to elaborate, she huffed. "That's it?"

"We worked together at Hostage Negotiation a hundred years ago," he elaborated. "And, I have friends at 1PP."

She rolled her eyes. Again.

This wasn't going as he'd planned. Not that he'd planned any of it. He was as shocked as Olivia when they both ended up in the same random bar on the same night.

Ed wasn't sure what had possessed him to approach her. He'd started to see Sergeant Olivia Benson in a different light over the past year, but it wasn't like they were friends. Hell, she barely tolerated him. However, he saw her walk in just after he'd ordered one more for the road, and made a rash decision.

Quite simply, he was intrigued. Now, looking at her and seeing the indifference in her expression, he wondered if this had been a good idea.

"What brings you here, Benson?" Maybe he could turn the tide of the conversation.

"Just wanted a moment alone," she answered honestly.

Maybe not. He was momentarily taken aback by her bluntness.

Seeing his reaction, she actually felt bad. "No, that's not what I meant."

He cocked his head.

"It's rare that I can just stop and have a quiet drink, and still get home in time to put my son to bed," she said.

"I get it," Tucker said.

Olivia just took a sip of her wine. She watched him watching her and wondered why he was sitting there making small talk with her like they were friends or something.

"How is he?" Ed asked. "Your son?"

"Noah?" she said, and her face immediately brightened. "He's good. We had a nice few days over the holidays, just a two of us. He's really thriving."

Ed couldn't miss the crack in her voice or the gleam in her eye. "You gonna adopt him?"

"I hope so," she said. Talking about Noah distracted her from her uncertainty, and they fell into a somewhat easy conversation.

They chatted a bit more about Noah, their picks for the Super Bowl and nothing at all. Ed found her completely and unexpectedly captivating. It wasn't that he hadn't noticed her in all these years. In his line of work, it didn't do well to focus on the individual. To him, they were always a case, a potentially dirty cop, a source of information.

But this side of Olivia Benson, she was none of those. There was a sparkle in her eye as she discussed her foster son. There was a reticence in her voice when they strayed into any subject she deemed too personal. There was a strength that defied explanation. The combination was compelling.

"You two want another round?" The bartender interrupted.

Tucker looked to Olivia for the answer. He knew his answer would be yes, but he didn't want to presume she'd feel the same.

"I really should get home," she said. Then she reached for her purse.

"I got it," Tucker said, putting his hand on her arm to stop her from pulling out her credit card.

"I can buy my own drinks," she said somewhat more defensively than she'd intended. While it appeared that he was just being collegial, she didn't want to be beholden to IAB in any way.

"Okay," he said pulling his hand up in surrender.

Neither spoke as she paid her tab. Ed decided to order another for himself to avoid the awkwardness of leaving together.

"What's that you're drinking?" She asked as the bartender slid a fresh glass to him.

"Bourbon," he answered. He watched as she pulled on her coat and checked her surroundings making sure she'd collected all of her belongings.

"Hmm," Olivia said with a wrinkle of her nose. "Well, Tucker, uh… have a good night."

"Goodnight."

She finished buttoning her jacked and turned to leave.

"Hey Benson," he called out.

She slowed her step but didn't stop completely.

"Next time, drinks are on me."

She gave a nod of her head and headed out the door. What was he getting at? Did he really think there was going to be a next time?

He watched her walk away and wondered if he'd made a mistake. Maybe it was just the bourbon talking? He probably shouldn't be thinking about how to get Sergeant Benson to agree to go out for drinks. But that's exactly what he spent the next week doing.

* * *

Luckily their jobs gave him an excuse relatively quickly. Nick Amaro. Technically, it was Nicolas Amaro, the detective's father. While Ed didn't think Amaro had a future in the NYPD, he did feel bad for the guy during the trial.

When he asked Olivia to meet him at that same old cop bar to talk about it, he'd expected her scoff and turn him down. He knew he'd thrown her when he asked her to meet him outside of IAB, so they could discuss it off the record. He was pleasantly surprised when she accepted.

Olivia wasn't sure why she agreed to meet Tucker at this bar. They could have spoken "off the record" at either of their offices. She should have told him as much, but she'd immediately answered "yes" to his invitation.

He spotted her the second she walked in. _"_ _We gotta stop meeting like this,_ _"_ Tucker said trying to lighten the mood.

She launched into Amaro's situation. When she teased him about getting soft in his old age, it took everything in him not to say something incredibly inappropriate. But he saw it as his opening to turn this conversation from nothing but work, to another more casual outing. He surprised himself by how much he wanted her to stay and have a drink with him.

" _How_ _'_ _s the wine here?_ _"_ Olivia said.

" _I think you should try the bourbon,_ _"_ Tucker said with a flirtatious smirk feeling a little emboldened.

For Olivia, the exchange had the opposite effect. Panic fully set in. What was she thinking? This was Ed thorn-in-her-side Tucker, the man that made her life hell for almost a decade. He did seem to have lightened up, but he was still IAB. True, she was intrigued, but she was also scared. Where could this possibly go?

"Tucker, wait," she said.

He stopped and turned back to her.

"It's kind of late," she said. "I really need to get home to Noah."

"Oh, sure," he said trying to hide his disappointment. "Some other time."

She shrugged. Then she weaved her way through the crowd and out to the street.

Ed shook his head as he watched her leave. He'd be confident that she'd stay. She almost had. He was sure of it, and he wished like hell that he knew what made her change her mind.

He made his way back to the little high-top table for two that he'd claimed for them and added the bourbon he'd ordered for her to his glass of the same. He sipped the bourbon and chastised himself. Did he really expect Olivia Benson to forget the past? Forgive the past? Forgive him?

* * *

Olivia made it home just in time to relieve Lucy and have story time with Noah before tucking him in. She kissed the boy's head just before she laid him in his crib.

"Goodnight, sweet boy," she cooed. This was what she needed, she told herself. It warmed her heart to have time to snuggle with Noah and watch him fall into a peaceful sleep, safe and sound.

There was, however, a part of her that wondered what would have happened if she'd taken Tucker up on his offer. With that in mind, she made her way to the kitchen to pour a glass of wine.

After mindlessly flipping the channels for half an hour, she downed the last of her wine, corked the bottle and returned it and the glass to the kitchen. Then she went to take a quick shower.

Twenty minutes later, Olivia crawled into bed. Annoyingly, her thoughts kept drifting back to Tucker. She kept telling herself that it was ridiculous to even entertain the idea of befriending that man. She might be willing to believe that he'd just been doing his job all those times in the past, but she couldn't imagine ever fully trusting him. He was IAB.

So why couldn't she stop thinking about that smirk of his or the twinkle in his eye when he suggested the bourbon? And why did she have this underlying feeling that she'd just made the wrong decision?

* * *

 **a/n: Next up, we skip forward a few months. Can one moment in time really make that much difference? How will they each be impacted by Olivia's decision?**


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n: Sorry it took so long to update, but I'm back on track. Also wanted to let you know the plan for the rest of the story. It's an exploration of season 16-17 through a vision of life without Tuckson as we know it. It won't be every episode, but most of the Tuckson ones and possibly a couple others that advance the plot. This one alludes to Parent's Nightmare and Padre.**

* * *

May 2015

 _Olivia breezed into her office and was surprised to find Ed Tucker sitting on her couch. What was he doing there?_

" _Tucker, to what do I owe the pleasure?_ _"_ _She said as she dropped her stuff on her desk. She was a little surprised by the playful smirk she flashed at him._

" _What, I can_ _'_ _t just pop in?_ _"_ _He answered with a quirk of his eyebrow._

" _No,"_ _she said peeling off her jacket._ _"_ _What_ _'_ _s going on?_ _"_

 _She hung her jacket and watched him. Without another word, he stood and closed the blinds to her office window before stepping around the coffee table to join her. This was serious._

" _Uh, Tucker?_ _"_ _She asked, hating how shaky her voice sounded. Something was off, but she couldn_ _'_ _t put her finger on it._

" _Benson,_ _"_ _he said with a wink as he took another step toward her. Now, there was less than a foot between them._

" _Here?"_ _She challenged. She felt like she_ _'_ _d stepped into an alternate universe where this suddenly seemed normal._

" _Here,_ _"_ _he answered closing the distance with one final step. Their bodies were almost touching. Almost. He was so close she had to look up to make eye contact._

" _What if someone comes in?_ _"_ _She said, but even she could tell that her reticence was quickly fading._

 _This time he didn_ _'_ _t answer. He just reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear._

 _She shivered at the contact, but she didn_ _'_ _t pull away. He let his hand rest in the crook of her neck. It was as if time was moving at an agonizingly slow pace, and she was hyperaware of every sensation._

 _Ed'_ _s fingers put just the slightest bit of pressure on the back of her neck as he dipped his head. He smiled when she responded by tilting her head just enough._

 _Olivia sighed and closed her eyes when his lips finally brushed against hers. His touch was so light, she almost opened her eyes to make sure this was really happening._

 _Her mind raced as he deepened the kiss. On the one hand, this was insane. On the other hand, it somehow felt right._

 _She moaned when she felt his hands snake around her waist pulling her hips into his._ _"God, Ed…"_

Olivia's eyes flew open and she sat upright taking in her surroundings. She was in her bedroom. Judging by the faint light shining between the slit in the curtains, it was still pretty early.

She shook her head as the dream flooded her memory. What the hell?

It was one thing to have vague unsettling dreams about Ed Tucker, but this. This was something on a whole new level. She could almost remember the taste of him, coffee, breath mints and a hint of cigarettes.

* * *

On the other side of town, Tucker lingered after his meeting at 1PP. In his many years with the NYPD, he'd learned that while IAB wasn't the most beloved unit among the rank and file, there was a certain sympathy at the highest levels. It also served the chiefs' interests to be friendly with the bureau that knew where all of the department's skeletons were hidden.

He was a little surprised when SVU came up. He was less surprised when he heard Amaro was the topic of interest. That poor bastard couldn't seem to catch a break. Much like another former SVU detective, Ed thought Amaro was a hothead with anger issues. But things had really not gone his way the past couple years. He was clearly damaged goods who wasn't going anywhere in the department.

"So what are we going to do about SVU command?" One of the chiefs asked changing the direction of the conversation.

Ed's ears perked up. From everything he'd seen in his weekly reports, Benson was doing a good job leading the team. A great job even. The more he sniffed around, the more he realized that it wasn't Benson as much as it was Sergeant Benson. Ridiculous bureaucrats obsessed with rank and appearance didn't like having a Sergeant running one of their elite units.

Tucker was surprised to hear Dodds stick up for Benson. He eyed the man and wondered if the Chief's support was entirely based upon her record or if he was about something else. Deciding it wasn't his business, Tucker headed back to his office.

He briefly thought about stopping by SVU to give Olivia a heads up. If she took the Lieutenant's exam, she could probably keep her command.

Stopping to get a cup of coffee, Ed pondered the idea. What was he supposed to do? Show up, unannounced? That didn't seem like a good idea. After their last encounter, it was pretty obvious that she still didn't trust him. She probably never would.

While he shouldn't be bothered by that thought. He was. He was also frustrated by himself. He didn't know when it happened, or how, but he was hung up on Olivia Benson.

* * *

A couple weeks, and thankfully no more weird dreams, later, Olivia found herself at the ER waiting to hear a status report on Nick after Johnny D. opened fire in the courtroom. It was chaos with friends, family and colleagues of all the injured mulling around.

She scrubbed her hand down her face and sighed. The last report on Nick was positive, but now they were operating on his knee. Every cop knew that a shot to the knee was usually career ending, or at least significantly slowing.

"Sergeant," a voice called.

Olivia's shoulders slumped even more. This was not what she needed right now.

"How's Amaro?" Tucker asked.

She was surprised by what sounded like sympathy in his voice. Still she steeled herself for the conversation. Never one to show weakness, she didn't want him to see how shaken she was by the events or by his presence.

"Out of the woods, but he took a hit to the knee," she said. "They're operating now."

"That's a bad break," he said sincerely.

"What do you want, Tucker?" She asked unable to hide her exasperation.

Never one to use 10 words when one would do, he simply answered, "Johnny D."

"Dead," she said, thinking that's what he was getting at.

"Also your foster son's biological father," he added.

Her stomach hit the floor, and any temptation to think back to her dream of him was immediately squashed. How the hell did he find out about the DNA? It probably would have eventually come out during the investigation into the courtroom shooting, but how did Tucker know now? She quickly decided that she was right not to trust him before, especially if he'd already been snooping into this?

"I'm not even going to ask how you know that," she said. Her voice was low and controlled.

Ed watched as she went from shock to anger. He realized he needed to get control of the conversation before she jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"I'm not trying to trip you up," he said. "Really."

She just looked at him, expressionless. She still had Nick's blood on her clothes, and the shock was starting to wear off. She was so tired.

He watched her for a minute and wished so badly that she didn't immediately assume he was here to jam her up. There would be an investigation, but it was just a matter of protocol.

"Then why are you here?" She asked flatly not having the energy to muster an accusatory tone. "This couldn't wait until tomorrow?"

He shrugged. She was right. There was no reason he couldn't have waited until tomorrow. She was under no obligation to talk to IAB this soon.

She noticed his normally unbreakable façade crack for an instant and wondered what went through his mind just then. She almost thought she saw kindness in his eyes. She shook the thought from her mind. Not possible.

Ed realized that he'd come because he wanted to make sure she was okay. And that was not okay. He tightened his jaw and went back to IAB mode.

"Just tell me when you found out Johnny D. was Noah's father?"

She eyed him skeptically.

"You have my word," he said. "No one is upset that the bastard's dead. We just need to show that we followed protocol in case anyone ever digs into it."

"Melinda told me after we'd arrested him," she said.

"Melinda? That's the M.E.?"

"Yeah."

"Fine," Tucker said. "That's all I needed to know. As long as she confirms, we're good."

"Gee, thanks."

Ignoring her sarcasm, he continued. "Can you stop by my office tomorrow, and we'll wrap this up?"

"Fine," she said and stood. She didn't have anywhere to be, but she didn't want to continue this conversation. In her lingering state of shock, she didn't trust herself to remember that Ed Tucker was not a friend despite his words and actions at the moment.

"You know what?" He said as he stood and leaned into her space just a bit. "I'm sure you'll be here half the night, so why don't you come by day after tomorrow."

"Fine," she said without the attitude this time. "Thanks."

With that he bid her goodbye. Olivia had no idea what to make of that conversation. Why had he even shown up? Why did it feel like he was trying to help her? Why did she notice that his breath smelled of coffee, breath mints and the faintest hint of cigarettes?

* * *

Things had been chaotic for the 48 hours after the shooting. So Olivia had to postpone her meeting with Tucker one more day. He was surprisingly okay with that, and told her to stop by at 3pm.

That worked just as well. She could get IAB out of the way the day before Noah's adoption was final. Then everything could get back to normal.

At least that's what she was thinking as she walked into the precinct that morning. She was unpleasantly surprised to find someone sitting in her office at her desk when she arrived.

"Captain Harris?" She said as she hung up her coat and dropped her purse on the desk. She hadn't seen him since he filled in during Cragen's almost ruin during the war between Delia and Ganzelle, and his presence surly couldn't mean good news.

"Sergeant," Steven Harris said and handed her a folder.

She raised an eyebrow and studied the document inside. Her heart sank.

"1PP wasn't happy with a Sergeant running SVU," he said without emotion.

"Wow," she said. "Uh, so just like that."

"Afraid so," Harris said. "They let me pick my number two."

At that she looked up from the folder with his transfer papers and made eye contact. They'd gotten the job done when he was her temporary CO, but it certainly hadn't been a love fest.

"Don't worry Sergeant," he said. "I asked for you. Assuming you can handle not being in charge anymore."

She nodded not trusting herself to speak. SVU was her life. She'd just started getting used to being in command, and while it'd be an adjustment to go backwards, it's not like she wanted to be anywhere else.

"Benson," he said. "I don't plan on sticking around here for long. I imagine that if someone were to take the Lieutenant's exam, she'd be eligible to resume command when I leave."

Subtle, she thought. Too bad 1PP couldn't have just told her that themselves. If she'd known, she might have taken the exam even thought it hadn't been in her immediate plans. She hated the politics of the NYPD, so instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, she went on the offensive.

"I thought you were a fixer?" She accused. "What needs to be fixed here?"

"Nothing, I needed a change," Harris said. "Tucker suggested I come here. You already have things under control, and by the time you get your promotion, I'll have my next move worked out."

Tucker? He was behind this? She was floored. It's not like this assignment happened overnight. So he had to have known about it two nights ago when he showed up at the hospital. Still, he'd said nothing.

"Okay Captain," she said trying to push down her initial reaction. "I actually have a meeting at IAB, so can I clear out my stuff first thing in the morning?"

"Of course," he said. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

Olivia seethed as she made her way to Ed Tucker's office. In truth she was incredibly hurt that 1PP made such a byzantine maneuver and didn't even have the courtesy to give her a heads up. For this encounter she needed to funnel that hurt into anger. Anger to unleash on a certain IAB Lieutenant.

 _Lieutenant_. She felt her blood pressure rising at the mere thought of the title. The thought of sitting for the Lieutenant's exam hadn't even occurred to her. Why would it?

She'd gotten Sergeant less than two years ago, and she thought she'd been doing a damn good job running things. It wasn't that she hadn't thought about the possibility of moving up the ranks some more, but she assumed she had time. So much for assumptions, she thought as she shoved open the door of IAB's offices.

"I'm here to meet with Lieutenant Tucker," she told the desk clerk. "He's expecting me."

"Sergeant," he called out from down the hall.

She looked up to see Tucker walking toward her. He gestured for her to follow before turning back to his office. If he knew that Harris had already ousted her, he didn't show it.

Squaring her shoulders, she turned on her heel and headed after him. She'd never drink on the job, but this was one time she would have killed for a nerve-calming shot of something strong.

He motioned for her to sit and immediately took notice of her icy demeanor. "SVU's new CO arrived, I take it?"

"Don't act like you didn't know about this." She spat. "Like you didn't have a hand in it."

"Don't give me so much credit," he said with a half-smile. His attempt at a tease falling decidedly flat.

Olivia just glared at him. She wanted to launch into him. She'd been fairly certain that his previous invitation for drinks was an attempt to take them beyond the uneasy détente they'd established since she'd been in command. Why bother if he was just going to stab her in the back? What was his game?

"Look, Benson," he said.

"Don't 'look Benson,' me," she huffed, cutting him off. "You send you're buddy Harris over to keep an eye on me? You think I'm not capable of running this squad and raising my son? Is that it? Or were you just doing Harris a favor? Old boys club?"

Ed expected her to be upset, but he hadn't expected this. "Sergeant," he said with an authoritative tone. His intention was just to get her attention and stop her onslaught.

He did get her attention, but she was back to glaring at him. He'd been on the receiving end of the badass Benson glare a few times over the years, but this was different. In the past, it was their jobs that put them at odds. Her reaction this time suggested that she was taking this much more personally.

"I suggested SVU to Harris because I thought it would be better for you," he said without emotion.

"Better for me," she said. "Oh sure, this is way better for me. Back to playing number two to a man who'd rather be almost anywhere than SVU."

"Harris is a good cop, Olivia." If he'd shocked her by using her first name, she didn't show it.

Before he could elaborate, Olivia abruptly stood. "You know what, Tucker? Since IAB isn't launching a formal investigation into the shooting, you don't really need an official statement, so just email whatever you need me to sign."

She wasn't giving him a chance to explain, and Tucker felt helpless. He'd really thought that his suggestion to Harris had been a way to help Olivia ultimately keep her command. Maybe they weren't exactly friends, but he had grown to truly respect her. He couldn't imagine someone more suited to run SVU.

That's what he'd wanted to tell her, but now she was gathering her things and storming out of his office. He could almost swear that her expression was more defeat than anger as she uttered the words that cut like a knife.

"I should have never let myself think that we could ever be anything other than enemies."

* * *

The next evening, Olivia kissed Noah's head before she lowered him into his crib for the night. It had been a long day for both of them as they finalized and celebrated his adoption.

She'd tried not to let her hopefully temporary demotion mar the festivities. Noah Porter Benson was now officially and legally her son. The joy and comfort of knowing that superseded any anger she had toward Harris or Tucker. For now.

Her resolve was tested once again when Amaro pulled her aside during the party. She could tell by his expression that the news wasn't good.

She'd expected him to tell her his return was going to be delayed because of physical therapy or something along those lines. She had not expected him to tell her he was moving to California to be closer to his kids.

Apparently, he'd said something to Harris about maybe taking the Sergeant's exam when she took the Lieutenant's exam. Harris had bluntly told him not to bother that he was damaged goods in the eyes of 1PP.

Olivia sighed as she made her way into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. She was sad and angry about Amaro leaving, her own situation and Tucker's involvement. While she had no reason to blame him for Amaro's demise, she chose to focus her anger on Tucker rather than Harris since she had to work with the latter for the foreseeable future.

By her second refill of wine, she was engrossed in some random home renovation show and had mellowed somewhat. But no matter how she tried, she kept remembering Tucker's words at the hospital about not being there to cause her problems. He'd even seemed genuinely concerned about her and Amaro.

She also couldn't forget the look on his face when she'd stormed out of his office the day before. She didn't know him all that well, but she could have sworn he looked apologetic or maybe even hurt. It reminded her of when he'd interviewed her after Lewis killed himself. Then, she refused to let herself believe that he was actually trying to help her. She should do the same now.

Olivia tried to calm her mind as she crawled into bed. It took a while, but she finally fell into a fitful sleep with thoughts of 1PP, Amaro and Ed Tucker swirling in her mind.

* * *

 **a/n: Still with me? Don't worry, there'll still be Tuckson-y moments along the way. And… if you trust me and can handle some delayed gratification, we'll end up right where we're supposed to be ;) I'm going to try, try, try to get out at least one update a week from here on out. #TucksonAlways**


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/n: thank you to all who review - you inspire me to keep writing - shameless hint, hint. For those asking about the accident in chapter 1… Trust me, we will get there. We just have a little detour… This chapter references Institutional Fail, but focuses on Community Policing and Townhouse Incident.**_

* * *

"Mama," Noah wailed dragging Olivia from a peaceful sleep.

She checked the time as she grabbed her robe. 4:47am. Ugh.

"Shh, baby," she cooed as she made her way to his crib and scooped him up.

"Mama," he repeated as he snuggled his face into her neck. His face was wet with tears, and he was sniffling.

"Did you have a bad dream?" she asked knowing she would't get an answer. But the pediatrician had assured her that even though he wasn't speaking as many words as many children his age, that didn't mean he didn't understand. That seemed to be confirmed when he gripped the lapel of her robe and nodded his head against her chest.

"Want Mommy to rock you for a while?" She asked. This was the worst time of night for him to wake up like this. It was close enough to his normal 6am internal alarm that he might not go back to sleep at all.

Olivia desperately wanted another hour of sleep. So she was dismayed when Noah's head popped up and shook from side to side.

"Wanna come lay down in Mommy's bed?" She said. It was more of a plea than a question.

Thankfully, he seemed more amenable to that idea. Olivia grabbed his blankie and his little stuffed giraffe and said a silent prayer that he'd go back to sleep for a bit.

Luckily, her prayers were answered, and it was almost 6:30am when she awoke to find him patting her cheek. When she opened her eyes, she was almost startled to find Noah's face just inches from hers.

"Mama wake," Noah laughed at her surprise and then planted a sloppy wet kiss on her cheek.

"Yes, baby!" She said with the eager smile that only a mother could muster at such an early hour. "Mommy is _awake_."

That was a new word. It made her heart soar, to see him truly thriving. She smothered his face with kisses before getting them both out of bed. She was due in court at 9:30, so she had a little extra time this morning.

An hour later, Olivia watched Noah shoving a piece of waffle into his mouth as they waited for Lucy to arrive. It made her heart clinch. She hated the reason she was headed to court. She wasn't sure if she would ever forget the moment she found that little girl in a cage.

Watching her own son innocently eat his breakfast, she couldn't imagine how anyone could allow a child to be mistreated on their watch. She had zero sympathy for the child services employees who failed during this case.

* * *

Still reeling from the DCS case, Olivia and SVU were in no way prepared for the police shooting of an unarmed African-American young man. It was a shit show. There was no other way to describe it.

Olivia was still playing second fiddle to Harris who was out of town at some police golf tournament benefit, leaving her in charge. Again.

Unlike the first time Harris barged into SVU, this go around, he was very hands off. In the few months he'd been there, he'd been gone almost as much as he was there. He was always at this or that conference. Vacation, meetings, you name it. It was like he was looking for excuses to let her lead.

She didn't complain. They'd reach an amicable working relationship where she did the work of leading the squad, and he played the figure head. She still was unhappy about the way it had happened, but she didn't have a choice. So she made the best of it, and it turned out to be not so bad.

Still, she had signed up for the next Lieutenant's exam offering. Harris mentioned it more than once in his first few weeks, so she finally did it. Partly to shut him up, partly to get her command back.

Tonight, however, she was thankful that Harris showed up. He had her on her cell barking off orders to Carisi about CSU, DNA, everything. Meanwhile, Harris was playing the political game, talking to 1PP about how they were going to manage this in the press.

Olivia and Harris finished their calls within a few seconds of each other. They exchanged a knowing look. It was going to be a long night.

Harris looked past Olivia and nodded. She turned to see who he was acknowledging and was disappointed to see Ed Tucker. She hadn't seen, heard or dreamed of him in at least two months.

" _What, do you sleep with a radio under your pillow?"_ She chided, earning an almost imperceptible chuckle from Harris.

Tucker ignored her and started talking to Harris. This was going to blow up, and they all knew it.

Olivia listened to her colleagues, but she was distracted by Tucker's attire. She couldn't remember ever seeing him in anything other than a suit. Maybe she'd seen him without a suit jacket before, but she couldn't be sure.

She was certain that she'd never seen Tucker this casual. "Casual Tucker," she joked to herself before her eyes took a quick dip south. Fortunately Tucker and Harris were too preoccupied with their own conversation to notice her checking him out.

She couldn't focus on what they were saying. She found her mind wandering. She could almost imagine what he felt like under that shirt. She could almost remember the contraction of his abdominal muscles under her fingers and hear his sharp intake of breath as she slipped her hand inside the collar of that shirt. She felt warmth spreading throughout her body and a flush creeping across her skin.

"Benson?" Harris said.

Olivia snapped her eyes to Harris. Her cheeks warmed with embarrassment. What was her problem? They were in the middle of a horrible case, and she was daydreaming about Tucker. This was worse than the dreams she had a couple months ago. At least those she could blame on her subconscious. But this. This was new, and it was unsettling. She opted to ignore it for now and just do her damn job.

"Sorry, what was that?" She asked Harris trying to snap out of it.

"Can you go talk to the Reynolds?" He said, obviously annoyed at her distraction, but seemingly unaware of the source of it.

"Sure," she said with a sigh. She knew the prognosis for their son wasn't good, so this was always a dreaded moment.

* * *

The whole process was hell. Olivia was at odds with Barba. At one point he even accused her of siding with Tucker and IAB, which didn't sit well given her recent distractions. Harris was in a foul mood. And tensions were high all around, for obvious reasons.

Olivia found herself perched on her couch with a glass of red wine almost every night throughout the case. Usually she stuck to just a glass or two, but Friday night after Barba's grilling of her at the Grand Jury and the cop shooting, it was different. She finished off the bottle. She knew it'd just give her a headache and make her grumpy the next day, but at the moment she didn't care.

Saturday morning Noah desperately wanted to go to the park. Olivia finally got him to sit still long enough to eat some breakfast, but he kept yelling, "Pahk!" Normally, she found it cute that his attempt to say "park" sounded more like an 80-year-old Bostonian than a two-year-old New Yorker. This morning, her pounding headache didn't find it so adorable.

Olivia made a strong pot of coffee and popped a couple aspirin. Then she once again explained to Noah that it was raining, so they couldn't go to the park.

"How about we curl up on Mommy's bed and watch Cars?" She said hopefully.

She watched him pick up a strawberry piece with his chubby little fingers and consider her offer. He finally nodded, and she sighed with relief. She almost felt guilty because she was glad it was raining and they couldn't go to the park.

As predicted, she was feeling the after effects of her over indulgence the night before, and some quiet movie time sounded much more appealing than squealing children on a playground.

Several cups of coffee later, they were wrapping up Cars 2, and Olivia realized that the rain had stopped. It wasn't quite 11am, so if they left now, they could get in a short stint at the park and grab a bite to eat before Noah's nap time. Thankfully, the coffee and aspirin had done their trick. Noah was thrilled to learn he was getting movies and the park, so he offered little resistance as she quickly got him dressed. As Olivia was buckling him into his stroller, he reached up and patted her cheek. She looked up from the buckle to find him beaming at her. Her heart was so full at that moment.

"I love you so, so much, my sweet Noah," she cooed and kissed both of his cheeks.

"Mama," he said with a happy smile. "Pahk."

At that moment, the week melted away, all of its stress temporarily pushed aside by the love of her son. So it was with a smile on her face and a happy heart that she bustled out the door and headed to the park.

Once there, she pushed Noah on the swings, then watched him on the little toddler-sized slide. She noticed another family there with a girl about Noah's age. The parents were considerably younger than Olivia, but they looked like a sweet little family. They looked complete.

Olivia shook the thought from her mind. She never thought she'd be where she was now. A couple years ago she'd come to accept that she just wasn't going to have a family of her own, so Noah's arrival had been the biggest blessing. He filled her heart with so much love and joy that she hadn't even realize was possible.

Sometimes, like now, when she saw other families, she wondered if she would ever find that someone. Someone she could share life with. She was beginning to think that wasn't in the cards for her either. But Noah came to her in the most unexpected way, so who knew?

She brushed the thoughts aside and returned her attention to Noah who was giggling as he went down the slide head first. Part of her wanted to scold him to be careful, but the slide was barely three feet tall and had a padded area and the bottom. So she bit her tongue and moved to stand a little closer to the slide, just in case.

* * *

The next few months were relatively uneventful, relatively speaking, and Olivia was relieved. It's not that the cases got easier, but they were more typical, if there was such a thing at SVU.

Then, one fateful morning, Lucy asked her to check in on the other family she worked with because something seemed off when she'd stopped by to walk the kids to school that morning. Olivia didn't think about calling Carisi or Fin to meet her, she just went. It was routine, or so she told herself.

It turned out to be anything but routine, and Olivia found herself struggling a lot in the immediate aftermath. She had a profound, overwhelming need to be near Noah, to know where he was at all times. She also felt the familiar numbness of the aftershocks of such a traumatic event.

The days following were a blur, but she knew herself well enough to schedule an appointment with Lindstrom as soon as he could get her in. Luckily, he was able to get her in within just a couple days.

That's where she was headed now, in a rush. She'd been clingy to Noah since the incident, and he'd picked up on it and was in turn clingy to her. It had been rough getting out the door, and her pounding headache didn't help.

She rushed through the door to the waiting room and quickly scanned the room. The office door opened immediately.

"Olivia, I wondered if you were going to make it," Lindstrom said checking his watch as he ushered her into his office. In the years he'd known her, she'd never been late to an appointment.

"I'm sorry I'm late," she said without making eye contact. "It's been a rough couple of days."

"I can see that," he said. He took in her appearance. She looked tired. She'd obviously been involved in the altercation based on the bruising on her face. But there was something else. Her eyes were bloodshot, and he could see the pain of a headache in them.

Olivia fished a bottle of water from her bag and took a sip. She closed her eyes and prayed that the aspirin she'd taken half an hour ago would kick in. Soon.

Lindstrom had a thought about her state of being, but he didn't want to derail their conversation before it began. Right now, he wanted to get her talking about the hostage situation.

"You said in your message that you'd been involved in a hostage situation," he began.

She nodded.

"Did the hostages make it out okay? Did you?" He asked. From her message he hadn't realized that she physically involved, but seeing her face and slightly haggard expression, she obviously had been more involved than he'd realized.

"One is pretty badly injured, but the others, they survived." She said still not making eye contact.

"And you?" He said when he noticed that she wasn't going to continue.

"I'm fine," she said, but the tremble in her hand as she took another sip from her water bottle betrayed her.

"Olivia," he began. "You know that in order for me to help you, we have to acknowledge that you are not, in fact, fine. And you need to tell me what actually happened."

"I know," she said. She slowly started recounting the details of what had happened barely 48 hours before.

Lindstrom let her get the story out. He jotted down a few notes, so he'd remember to ask the right follow-up questions. Mostly, he listened and watched her body language as she described the horrific situation.

They talked about the triggering effect of being back in a place of having a dangerous man hold a gun to her face. The trauma of listening to the sadistic bastard rape a teenaged girl in the next room. And her absolute fear of dying and leaving Noah without anyone.

"It's not that I have a death wish," she said, her words flowing more freely the longer she spoke. "But in past situations like this, it was only my life at stake. Now I have Noah to think about."

"That makes perfect sense," he acknowledged. "It's not just you anymore."

She nodded. He watched her process some of what they'd discussed.

"There's something else that's bothering you?"

"It's…" she said. "Uh, it's nothing. It's not important."

"Olivia," he reprimanded. She knew better than to delegitimize her feelings.

"It was something Utley said." She fiddled with the cap on her now empty water bottle and refused to make eye contact. "At one point he told me to call someone in charge at NYPD. Someone who cared if I lived or died."

"And who did you call," he prompted.

"My Captain," she said.

"Sounds logical."

"I just haven't been able to shake the feeling that there should have been someone else," she said shaking her head. It didn't even make sense to her. Who else would she have called? She followed procedure.

She'd called her Captain, who'd in turn called Hostage Negotiation. Olivia had never even heard of Lieutenant Garrison from HN, but he'd been successful in negotiating them through the process.

"Is there someone that _you_ care about?" Lindstrom asked not quite understanding what was troubling her.

"No," she said. "I don't know how to explain it. It's a sense of loss. But of what, I don't know."

They talked through it a little more, and she finally shut down on the topic. It was ridiculous to feel the way she did. Lindstrom sensed her confusion at her own feelings and let her drop it. He'd learned, that with her, she sometimes needed time to let things percolate before she could articulate them. This seemed to be one of those times.

"One more thing we need to discuss," Lindstrom said as their session was nearing its last quarter hour.

"What's that?" She asked.

"The reason you were late today."

She looked down. Her fidgeting stopped. She set her jaw and raised her eyes just enough to look at him, but her head stayed mostly bowed.

"It's not what you think," she said. She dropped her eyes again, because even she didn't believe that.

"You're shaky. Your eyes are red. I can tell the headache is gone now, but you were in pain when you first got here."

She blinked rapidly trying to keep tears from forming. She felt caught.

"You're hungover," he said simply.

She stared at him, not trusting her voice just yet.

"This isn't a path you want to go down, Olivia," he continued. "We've talked about your fears of turning into your mother. How you occasionally used alcohol as a coping mechanism after Lewis."

She went back to fidgeting. It wasn't that she was caught being hungover that bothered her. It was that he knew that for her to show up at his office in that state meant he knew she was teetering.

"You made a point to not let it get out of hand back then," he said. "You need to do that again."

She nodded. He was right.

"How long has this been going on?" He asked wanting her to talk about it rather than just listen to him lecture.

"Not long," she answered.

When she didn't continue, he said, "Olivia?"

"Everything was so great after Noah's adoption," she said. "But without Amaro here, Captain Harris has me partnered with this new guy, Carisi. He's so green."

Lindstrom smiled. "I'm sure he'll learn a lot from you, but we're not talking about him."

"Sometimes I just feel so alone," she said finally. "After a hard case, I just want to go home and hug Noah close and enjoy being his mommy. Then he goes to sleep, and I'm left alone with my thoughts."

"And," he pushed.

"A couple glasses of wine make me not feel so… lonely," she said .

"A couple glasses?"

"Okay, several," she said with a roll of her eyes, the gesture not directed at him, but herself.

"You need to break the cycle here, now," he said. "You're not there yet, but this could get out of hand before you know it."

"I know," Olivia said. "I _know_. I will. It was just a moment. I'll reign it in."

He believed her. She'd toed this line once before. If she had the strength to do it then when she was at her lowest, she would do it again. Now, she had the extra motivation of Noah.

"I know you will," he said. "Why don't you plan to come back in a couple weeks, and we'll see how things are going?"

She hadn't been having regular sessions with him in a while, but she nodded her agreement. It would give her a check in case she was tempted after another rough case.

Olivia almost smiled as she was leaving Lindstrom's office. His honesty was just what she'd needed. She'd right herself. She'd known she was heading down the wrong path. She also knew that even without Lindstrom, she would have stopped herself before it got out of hand. But she wondered how far it would have gone, if he hadn't intervened.

* * *

That night, after Noah was tucked safely in his bed, Olivia skipped the wine and opted for an herbal bath. She was still sore from being knocked around by Utley, and a nice hot bath was just what she needed.

After staying in the bath until the water turned luke warm, she still felt anxious, and a part of her craved the numbing effect of a glass of wine. Instead, she decided to go to bed early.

She started employing the same techniques she'd learned to cope after Lewis. She made some changes to her routine, started working out again once she was feeling better physically. She focused on taking care of herself and Noah.

Olivia felt good. She saw Lindstrom a couple more times before they went back to their previous arrangement of her checking in occasionally. When she left his office knowing she didn't have another appointment scheduled, she was surprised that she felt a sense of loss.

She laughed somewhat bitterly to herself when she realized that she'd miss the adult conversation and ease of talking to him. She had her squad, but other than Fin, she didn't really considered them friends. They didn't spend time together outside of work. And between Noah and the insanity of SVU, she hadn't exactly been socializing outside of NYPD these days.

Sometimes she just enjoyed being able to talk to someone. A male someone, who offered a different perspective and who cared whether she lived or died. Lindstrom provided that in a completely risk-free way. He was simply paid to be there. But she still has this feeling that she was missing something.

* * *

 _ **a/n: Sorry there wasn't much Tuckson in this chapter, I wanted to explore Olivia on her own a bit. Next couple will be much more intense, and more intensely Tuckson-y :)**_


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry for the delay, and it's a bit short, but hopefully it's worth the wait. Here is the aftermath of Nationwide Manhunt.

* * *

Olivia glanced at the clock on her DVR: 10:47pm. She'd put Noah to bed almost three hours ago, and she was no where near being able to sleep. She flipped through the guide hoping to find something other than news to keep her reeling mind at bay.

The immediate source of her unrest was none other than Brownwyn Freed, the batshit juror who'd sided with William Lewis. How the woman somehow got tangled up with Yates and Rudnick was still fuzzy. To Olivia it seemed like some kind of cosmic force was out to drive her insane.

Her mind simply wouldn't rest. She instantly wished that she hadn't decided against keeping wine in the house for a while, but having Lindstrom call her out a couple months ago had really scared her.

Up until that point, whether or not she was drinking too much was just an internal consideration, that she could ignore or minimize. Addressing it with him made it real. So, she did what Badass Benson does. She bucked up, stopped grabbing a bottle or two of red on her way home, and focused on the immediate source of joy in her life, Noah.

Right now, however, with Noah asleep, her mind kept racing. She just wanted something to give a little numbness, to dull the edges. Instead she kept flipping the channels. She skipped past an MTV Spring Break special with tons of rowdy coeds doing shots, but a thought suddenly occurred to her. She had a leftover New Year's stash.

Carisi and Amanda had convinced her to go out with them for a quiet little celebration at a rooftop lounge for New Year's. At the last minute, Noah had gotten sick with a little cold a few days after Christmas, and Olivia couldn't bear to leave him with a sitter. Carisi, unwilling to give up, convinced her to let them come over and have a little squad party at her apartment.

It turned out to be more fun than she'd expected. Rollins and Carisi hung out all evening. Uncle Sonny was always a hit with Noah, and Olivia swore her son acted perfectly well and cold free until bedtime when he once again became whiny and clingy.

Barba had stopped by for about an hour, but mysteriously had somewhere else to be after 10. Even Fin and his date had shown up just after 11. Olivia hadn't wanted to admit it, but it had been nice to have some adult company.

More importantly, each guest had brought a little gift for the hostess. Carisi, ever the caretaker, brought a little toy airplane for Noah. Amanda took the easy route and brought wine. Barba also brought wine, but his bottle was to be saved for a special occasion as it was some fancy vintage. But Fin's door offering was the one that was going to save Olivia tonight.

Tequila. _"Didn't wanna come empty handed," Fin had said with a nod to his date, indicating that it had been her prompting, not FIn's thoughtfulness that prompted the gift. "Wasn't sure what to bring, but I remembered that back in the day, you could throw back some tequila."_

She smiled to herself as she remembered the night. Then she wondered into the kitchen and dug into the back of the freezer. There she found her prize, a slightly more than half-empty bottle of Roca Patrón Añejo.

Olivia grabbed a tumbler from the cabinet and poured herself a shot. She downed the drink and let the memories of the last few days flood her mind.

She thought of Captain Harris giving her grief for suggesting that Rollins was getting too close during the case, though he'd finally agreed with her after the first couple interviews. She thought about Brownwyn, and her mind reeled. How could that woman be so drawn to these sociopathic serial killers? How could anyone not see them for the evil that they were?

She poured another drink. This time a double. Then she put the bottle back in the freezer, effectively cutting herself off. She might be going against Lindstrom's advice and using alcohol to cope, but she didn't have to let it get out of hand.

At first, after she'd shown up at LIndstrom's with a major hangover, she'd cut out all alcohol. But then after a couple months, the gang went out for drinks after winning a case. She'd had a glass of wine, and that was all. She realized that was enough to be social, and she didn't want anymore. She'd simply gone home, put Noah to bed and taken a nice relaxing bath. She hadn't even thought about wine.

She and Lindstrom discussed it again, and he suggested that the only times she seemed to let the alcohol become problematic were the times she was using it as a crutch to cope. He also pointed out that it appeared to be those times that triggered memories of Lewis when she went too far.

She knew this was one of those times. Everything about this triggered her.

Olivia took another sip and sat the drink down on the coffee table. She leaned back and closed her eyes, enjoying the burn in her throat and the slight buzz she was starting to feel.

* * *

Ed took a sip of his bourbon and turned off his television. He'd been following the bizarre twists and turns of the Yates-Rudnick escape and was amazed by how much was released to the news media.

He couldn't help but wonder how Olivia was handling all of this. _Benson_ , he corrected his thoughts, _Sergeant Benson._ He didn't need to be thinking of her on a first name basis. She'd made herself perfectly clear that she wasn't interested in being acquainted.

Nonetheless, he'd been snooping around and discovered Brownwyn Freed was involved with Rudnick and Yates. He was shocked to learn that she was also the juror who'd helped William Lewis escape. He thought back to that case.

He'd admired Benson's integrity and true grit. He'd also believed her, but he'd known how it would look. He'd been sincere when he tried to get her to just match her story to their evidence. He'd also understood her refusal to trust him or IAB.

Ed's thoughts drifted back to the present case, and he wondered how she was coping. He was surprised by his urge to call her. He shouldn't care this much. He shouldn't be so preoccupied with the well-being of and SVU Sergeant who could barely stand him.

But he was.

He picked up his phone and searched through his contacts. Finding the right name, he sent a quick text.

* * *

Olivia's eyes flew open. She was breathing hard, and it took her a minute to get her bearings. She was still half sitting up on her couch. No one was there.

Nightmare.

She hated the nightmares. She couldn't control when they hit, although they were somewhat predictable. But she couldn't control it, and she'd never been one to deal well with being out of control. Post-Lewis, that part of her was on steroids.

When Brian was still around, he'd always try to comfort her when she woke in a cold sweat screaming. At the time, she'd struggled with letting him, often wishing that he'd just leave her alone. Now, she missed the reassurance of another. Someone else to tell her that Lewis was gone, that she was safe.

She sighed. It wasn't that she wanted Brian back. That ship had long since sailed. She didn't know what she wanted.

She'd had this feeling for months now. She didn't know how to explain it, other than she felt like something was off. She had an urge to call someone. Just to connect with someone else. But who would she call?

Amanda? Carisi? Hardly.

Fin? He wouldn't turn her away, but it would make him uncomfortable.

Barba? He also wouldn't turn her away, but she still felt like it would be crossing a line some how.

She didn't realize how small her circle had become since Lewis. She used to hang out with other attorneys and cops from other precincts, but she'd been hibernating lately. Then with Noah added to her life over the past year and a half, she'd been happily consumed with him. She'd met a few other mommies through Noah's daycare, and while they were all working moms, none of them could relate to her line of work.

It just hadn't been an environment conducive to forming friendships. At least that's what she told herself.

Olivia rubbed her eyes. What was her problem? She'd been doing so well. Then all of the sudden several months ago, she started feeling this hollowness.

She'd tried explaining it to Lindstrom to no avail. How could she explain something to him, that she didn't understand?

A noise from baby monitor app on her tablet snapped her out of her thoughts. She watched a minute and realized it was just Noah shuffling around in his sleep. She pressed a kiss to her finger and touched the screen.

"I love you, my sweet boy," she said quietly.

She spotted her glass on the table next to the monitor. Her previous buzz had worn off during her little nap. She downed the now warm tequila with a grimace, and hoped it would help her get back to sleep, nightmare and worry free.

Just before she made it to bed, her phone buzzed. She had a text.

* * *

Ed was relieved when Harris returned his text with a call. It was 11:30pm, but it's not like either of them were "early to bed" kind of men.

Harris filled Tucker in on what he knew about Yates, Rudnick and Brownwyn. Which wasn't as much as it should have been.

"So the rest is on Chicago, then?" Ed asked.

"Yeah," Harris replied.

"Weird case," Ed said mostly to himself.

"Tucker," Harris said with a hint of annoyance. "What's your beef with this one? It has nothing to do with IAB."

"No beef," Ed answered. "Just curious."

"Curious about how Benson's handling it?"

Ed blanched. Was he really that transparent?

"It's been tough on her, but she's managing," Harris offered when Tucker didn't respond.

"She always does," Ed said, unable to hide the tone of admiration.

"What is it with you and Benson?" Harris asked, not pulling any punches.

"What?" Ed sputtered. "There is no _me and Benson_."

"Okay," Harris laughed.

Ed regretted reaching out. It was impulsive. Stupid.

"So how much longer until something opens up for you at 1PP?" Ed asked, changing the subject.

"No idea," Harris answered. "It's taking a little longer than I thought. But rest assured, Benson's scheduled to take the Lieutenant's exam next month."

"That's not why I was asking," Ed said. "I just want to know when I'm going to finally have a real friend at the top."

"Right," Harris laughed. "Like I'm gonna do you any favors."

The two men wrapped up their conversation with plans to meet up for a drink sometime soon. Ed shook his head when he disconnected the call. He sounded like a schoolboy with a crush. But he found he couldn't help himself. He wanted to know more about her. He shouldn't but he did.

Maybe he'd just suck it up and ask Benson to go for drinks, again. Maybe this time she'd accept.

Ed sighed and took another sip of his drink. He needed to let this go, but he knew he wouldn't. What he didn't know was how quickly another opportunity would present itself.

* * *

Olivia groaned as she scanned the text she'd just received. Lucy was sick and couldn't make it tomorrow.

She responded to Lucy not to worry. Then she fired off a text to Harris, letting him know that she'd only be in part of the day tomorrow, since she'd have to pick Noah up from daycare at 3pm.

Olivia slumped onto her bed. In a way, she was relieved. She'd have a short day tomorrow. She couldn't catch, since she had a hard time she had to leave. She'd probably end up doing paperwork all day, and for once she didn't mind.

* * *

a/n: hmm… Next up is Collateral Damages, will Ed ask Olivia for drinks? Will she accept? Will they finally figure this out? Or will they keep missing step? Let me know what you think, what you want in that little review box down there…


	6. Chapter 6

a/n: It just so happens that we've made it up to Collateral Damages just in time for the anniversary of ShoulderGate.

* * *

Olivia sighed as she heard the call go to voicemail. Of all times for Harris to be unreachable, it had to be when all hell was about to break loose.

"Captain, it's Liv. I need you to call me back asap," she said. "Hank Abraham has been implicated in our child porn sting. This is going to blow up quickly, and 1PP is going to want you here. Call me."

She hit the button to end the call and rushed to join Fin who was waiting for her outside Hank's apartment building. He let her know that CSU would be arriving any minute.

"You talk to Harris?" Fin asked.

"Had to leave a message," she said checking her phone. "Still haven't heard back."

"Can't believe they're making you sit second fiddle to that guy," Fin said. "Dude's never around."

Olivia just shrugged. She knew Fin didn't care for the guy. In fact, he seemed to resent the usurper more than she did. She smiled to herself. Fin was as loyal as they come, and she was lucky to have him in her corner.

"CSU's here," Fin said interrupting her thoughts.

"Okay, let's go," she answered.

Once they got upstairs, she asked CSU to give her a few minutes to get Pippa and the kids out of the apartment. Olivia didn't know what to say to Pippa. This was the last place any of them expected to be tonight.

About ten minutes into the search, Olivia was with Carisi in the bedroom when they heard a commotion in the living room. She asked Carisi to wait a minute while she checked it out.

"Sergeant," Tucker said when he saw her walk into the room. "You should have waited for me."

"My squad knows what they're doing," she said defensively. "We followed procedure and waited for CSU."

"This is too high profile," he said sharply. "You should have waited."

"Well, you're here now," she said softening her tone. She didn't need to pick a fight with Tucker. "We've only been searching for a few minutes. Join us."

He eyed her. Normally, he took pleasure in making cops squirm, but not her. Not anymore.

"You know what, don't worry about it," he said. He had a better plan.

She was visibly stunned. Ed Tucker never gave in so quickly.

"Have you found anything yet?" He asked ignoring her obvious shock at his sudden change in attitude.

"Not yet, but Carisi and I just got started in the bedroom," she said accepting the change of subject. "He's waiting for me to continue."

"Let's go," he said gesturing with his arm for her to lead.

She shook her head slightly, and led him to the back of the apartment.

Once they found the hard drives, everything moved quickly. Olivia and Tucker exchanged a few words about Hank, and she pulled out her phone to see if Harris had called back or texted.

"Dammit," she cursed under her breath when she saw he hadn't.

"Problem, Sergeant?" Tucker asked.

"Harris," she said. "He still hasn't called me back."

"Oh, right," Ed said. "I forgot to tell you. He called me, and wanted me to tell you he'd be back first thing in the morning. He figured that between the two of us we could handle it until then."

Olivia was incensed. Harris couldn't be bothered to even send her a text, but he had time to call Tucker and tell him to babysit her?!

Seeing her reaction, Ed realized she must not know the details. He also guessed that she saw him as some kind of watch dog.

"Olivia," he said.

She gave him a look that dared him to use her first name again. It made her uneasy, and she wasn't sure why.

"It's not what you think," he explained. "You're perfectly capable of handling this case. I know it and Harris knows it."

She cocked an eyebrow at him. She wasn't sure she was buying what he was selling.

"We're on the same side here, Benson," he added, correcting his _Olivia_ faux pas.

"Okay," she said. She didn't know why but she believed him.

They wrapped things up at the apartment and went to their respective cars to head down to the station.

* * *

As promised, Harris was back in the squad room at the crack of dawn. He and Tucker spent over an hour in Harris's office, leaving Barba and Benson to deal with Hank.

Seeing the serious expression on her Captain's face made her wonder if Tucker had reneged on his assurance that he was on her side. Did he complain to Harris that she didn't wait for him to start searching Hank's apartment?

When Tucker saw her watching them, he smiled. It wasn't a big smile, but it appeared genuine.

Olivia immediately felt bad for jumping to the worst conclusion. Maybe he and Harris were just friends. Maybe they were both just as upset as she was to discover that one of NYPD's own was a purveyor of kiddie porn.

"Benson," Harris said calling her over. "Tucker tells me you handled everything by the book in my absence. Thank you."

Olivia's eyes shot to Tucker's. He winked, and she almost fell over. What the hell was going on here? Tucker not only didn't tell Harris she jumped the gun, but he also complimented her unsolicited? She pulled out her phone and tapped the screen.

"Benson?" Harris said with a nod to her phone.

"Just checking to see if hell had frozen over," she quipped.

The men exchanged a look, clearly missing the point of her jab.

"Tucker's telling you I did a good job? You're thanking me?" she explained. "I guess there's a first time for everything."

Ed watched as she flashed a little smirk before turning toward Barba who was heading their way. The heat that flashed through his body was unexpected. Was Olivia Benson flirting with him?

* * *

The rest of the case went as expected. Olivia tried to be there for Pippa as best she could. The whole case and trial took it's toll on everyone.

She was surprised to see Tucker at Hank's sentencing. She was more surprised when he cornered her afterwards.

"Sergeant," he said with an air of forced professionalism.

"Captain," she mimicked with a lighter tone. "Didn't expect you to stick it out for the sentencing."

"I wanted to see this one through to the end," he explained. "How's his wife?"

"Pippa?" she asked. "She's about as good as could be expected."

"So not good?" he said.

She nodded and waited for him to continue. She watched him as he looked down at his feet, hands in his pockets.

"Was there something else?" She prompted.

"Well," he said raising his eyes to hers. "There is one other thing."

"Spill it, Tucker," she said not sure what to make of his demeanor. Was he nervous? She'd never seen his self-assuredness falter.

"I was thinking," he began. "Maybe you'd finally let me buy you that drink?"

"Oh," she barked out in surprise.

"You do owe me one," he said.

"Excuse me?" Olivia said.

"You know," Ed said with a smirk. "For not ratting you out to Harris for starting the search of Hank's place without me."

She rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help the slight smile that played at the corners of her mouth. This wasn't a good idea. There were so many reasons why she should say no.

"And here I thought it was you who owed me," she said.

"How do you figure?" He asked, not sure if he wanted to hear her answer.

"Payback for that time you arrested me, for starters." She said and turned to walk away.

Ed was momentarily frozen. Then it dawned on him that she expected him to follow her.

"You don't pull any punches, do you Benson?" He said as he caught up to her and matched his pace to hers.

"With you?" She said. "Never."

They walked out of the courthouse together. Olivia immediately pulled her coat tighter around her and buttoned it. Ed did the same. When they got to the bottom of the stairs, she looked at him expectantly.

"Where to?" She asked.

He was shocked at first. He hadn't expected her to accept his offer, and he certainly didn't realize she'd think he meant right now. But he wasn't about to correct her.

"There's a little place a few blocks from here," he said and nodded to the right.

"Lead the way," she said.

A few blocks later, they arrived at a nondescript little bar that looked more like a Wall Street hangout than a cop bar. She looked at him quizzically as he held the door open for her.

"I figured you might not want to be seen socializing with the rat squad," he said resisting the urge to put his hand on her lower back as she passed in front of him.

"Good call," she said with a small nervous laugh.

They made their way through the bar and found a small booth near the back. He desperately wanted to help her out of her coat, but feared that she'd view the gesture as too forward. So he watched as she slipped the coat from her shoulders and placed it on the hook affixed to the wooden frame of the booth. Then he did the same.

They were both quiet as first. Their waitress showed up quickly, and Olivia wanted to object when he ordered for both of them. Ed noticed.

"I told you," he said holding his hand up. "You should try the bourbon."

"I'm really more of a wine person," she complained.

"Just try it," he said.

As if on cue, the waitress returned at with their drinks. Ed held his glass up, and Olivia reluctantly picked hers up and clinked it to his.

"To letting bygones be bygones?" He said with a hint of humor in his voice, but there was also something else. Regret? Remorse?

Olivia didn't answer, but she did put her glass to her lips. She kept her focus on him as she took a tiny sip.

Ed watched her intently. They way she was looking at him over the top of her glass. She looked sexy as hell, and she wasn't even trying.

"Well?" he said nodding to her glass before taking a drink of his own.

"Not bad, Tucker," she said. "Not bad."

Ed relaxed a little when it appeared that Olivia wasn't going to dredge up their past. Still, he decided that work was the easiest way to get her talking, so he asked how things had been with Harris.

Remembering that her boss and current drinking buddy were friends, she was cautious at first, but ultimately she admitted that she was frustrated.

"I'm basically still running the squad, without the benefit of being the C.O.," she almost whined. "But I suppose it's better than being told what to do by someone who has no clue about SVU."

Ed nodded. He sympathized. He also realized that she had no idea what was really going on with Harris, and while it wasn't his place to tell her, he did.

Turns out Harris had a sister. A divorced sister with two pre-teens. She'd been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma and was currently in treatment at a hospital in Philly. All those times that Harris claimed he was going fishing or golfing or even going to an official event, he was actually taking the train to Philadelphia to visit his sister and her children.

Olivia was stunned by the news. She'd had no idea. She was equally stunned that Tucker had told her something that he'd obviously been told in confidence. And she said as much.

"I trust you, Benson," he said, and he meant it. He knew that she wouldn't let it slip to Harris that she knew his situation, but he also thought having the information would help her understand why Harris wanted the position and why he'd helped Harris get it.

She looked at him in disbelief.

"What?" he said with feigned innocence. "I do. Despite all previous evidence to the contrary."

That earned a laugh. A real laugh.

He wasn't trying to be funny, but hearing her laugh made his night. He watched the way her eyes crinkled in the corners and her face softened. He made a mental note to try and make her laugh as often as he could.

When the waitress came to check on them, Ed shot a questioning glance at Olivia. He was pleasantly surprised when she gave him a slight nod.

They sat for another hour sipping their drinks and telling old stories while carefully avoiding anything that hit too close to home. It was nice.

Ed found himself wishing they didn't have to call it a night, but it was pushing 7pm. They'd been there over two hours which had to be pushing her tolerance of him. And though she didn't act as though she were in a hurry, he also knew Olivia had to get home to her son.

He was pleased when she didn't fight him for the check. It was a small victory. It also confirmed that this was more than just a drink between colleagues. At least that's how he chose to view it.

Olivia checked her phone while he filled out the credit card slip. She wasn't sure what was going on here. But it turned out that Tucker was a decent guy outside of IAB. She almost laughed out loud at the thought.

"Everything okay at home?" He asked as he slid the book with his signed receipt to the corner of the table.

"Yeah, I'll get home just in time for stories and bed," she said with a smile that reached her eyes.

"Motherhood looks good on you," he said.

"Is that a compliment, Tucker?" she teased.

His answer was a tilt of his head as he stood. He reached around her and grabbed her coat off the back of her chair as she stood. Suddenly feeling more bold than when they'd arrived, he decided to help her into it.

Olivia gave him a wary look before turning so he could help her slip the jacket onto her arms. She flipped her hair out of the collar as he settled the coat on her shoulders. She heard his intake of breath as he smelled her hair. She didn't object when he let his hand lightly rest on the small of her back as he guided them out of the now crowded bar.

Ed couldn't believe his own boldness. In any other situation where he'd bought a woman drinks, his actions would be normal, even subdued. But this was Olivia Benson, and she was not just any woman.

Once outside, neither seemed to know what to do. Ed wanted to see her home, but he knew she would never allow such a display from him.

Olivia was surprised that she was sorry to see the evening come to an end. They walked a couple blocks toward an intersection better suited to hailing a taxi.

"So you think we might do this again sometime?" he asked tentatively.

"I think we might," she answered as she bumped her shoulder into his. She didn't know what had gotten into them, but she decided to see where it went.

"Okay," he said. "That's good." He felt like a nervous kid on his first date.

They neared the corner, and he turned, arm raised, to hail a taxi. She turned to tell him goodnight, their combined motion almost causing them to bump into each other. Almost.

Ed stifled a groan as he took her in. Her cheeks were already flushed from the cold air. Her hair had gotten slightly wavy. Damn, she was beautiful, but it was the look in her eye that floored him.

Olivia was startled by his sudden closeness, but she was even more startled by her own reaction. She felt a sense of anticipation. She absentmindedly bit her bottom lip.

Her actions caused him to drop his attention to her mouth. Ed audibly sighed as he dropped his hailing arm. He was in awe of his intense desire to taste those lips. She'd probably deck him if he tried.

When he finally looked back to her eyes, he was stunned to find her dragging her eyes back up to his. Did she want him to kiss her?

A cab honked as it pulled up to the curb next to them. Determined not to let the interruption break the spell, Ed motioned for the driver to wait.

"Thanks for letting me buy you a drink," he said as he put his hand on her back again and reached to open the taxi door.

"Shouldn't I be the one thanking you for the drink?" She said stepping down onto the street level. His closeness once again eliciting a response that she didn't expect.

Ed stepped off the curb and crowded her into the space between the taxi and the open door. It was now or never, he told himself.

He leaned in, his eyes never leaving hers. He didn't want to presume, but she had to know what he was about to do. More importantly, she wasn't recoiling in horror.

Olivia felt hear heart rate speed up and she took a quick breath. Ed Tucker was going to kiss her. And apparently, she wasn't going to stop him.

His eyes dropped to her mouth as he inched ever closer. She knew that he could feel her punchy breath. Her mind was racing. This was insane. She shouldn't be feeling this way about him. But she did.

That was her last thought before his lips finally brushed against hers. The kiss was tentative, and soft. He was asking permission. She didn't know what had gotten into her, but she responded by running her hand over his chest.

At first Ed thought she was about to push him away, but she leaned into him instead. He slipped an arm around her waist and pressed his palm into her lower back. He swallowed a groan and wished there weren't two bulky coats between them.

A tiny moan made its way across her vocal chords. Something about this felt so right.

The cabbie cleared his throat, and they reluctantly broke the kiss. She looked up at him with a question in her eyes. Knowing he didn't have the answer, he just gave her a half smile.

"Uh, Tucker, thanks again for the drink," she said as she lowered herself into the cab.

He leaned down, and she thought he was going to kiss her again. Instead he reached over, brushed her hair aside and whispered in her ear, "I think you can call me, Ed."

She shivered when his breath his her neck. "Goodnight, Ed." Her voice was breathy, and she couldn't hide how he'd affected her.

"Goodnight, Olivia," he said with a smirk before he closed the cab door. He watched with a smile as the taxi sped off into traffic.

* * *

a/n: Wow, I didn't see this going in this direction, but here we are. What do you think? Are they finally going to figure this thing out? Will their budding attraction survive the curve ball life's about to throw their way?


	7. Chapter 7

a/n: sorry for the delay! Had some stuff going on. So we're up to Manhattan Transfer. Since we all know the gist of the case, I'm dropping us in when Dodds and Benson go to see Tucker about the two undercover cops.

* * *

Ed watched Olivia as she and Dodds explained what Sister Nina and Cara had told them about Russo and Jefferson. She was carefully avoiding any kind of prolonged eye contact, and her demeanor was a step beyond professional. She was cautious.

He told himself he understood. It had been less than two weeks since their drink. Since he'd kissed her. Since she'd let him kiss her. She'd texted him when she arrived home that night, as he requested. But it was a simple text that didn't betray any emotion.

" _Just made it home. Thanks again for the drink."_ That was all she'd said. Nothing about having a good time or wanting to do it again. He sent an equally benign text back thanking her for letting him know she made it home okay and saying he'd be in touch.

He'd wanted to text her the very next day but feared she'd view it as too pushy or needy. So he waited two days, then sent her a casual note to say he'd enjoyed spending time with her outside of work. She hadn't immediately responded, but when she did, they exchanged some light, almost flirty texts the rest of the afternoon.

They'd have a few more text exchanges, but he hadn't seen her since. When he heard the news of their bust, he knew it was going to be a really rough go for everyone involved. He'd had run ins with Russo and Jefferson in the past and didn't trust them. Unfortunately, he hadn't had anything that would stick.

Now, as Benson and Dodds gave him more details, Ed dreaded the upcoming days and weeks. He had bad feeling about this one. A really bad feeling.

He tried to return his focus to the case. He could tell Olivia was frustrated with his news that he'd dealt with these two cops before, so he threw her a bone. He essentially told her that he'd use the weight of IAB and the scare of potentially losing their shields to get them to give up information.

He expected a smile, an acknowledgement, something. All he got was a curt, "thank you," before she and Dodds left his office.

He was surprised by how disappointed he was by Olivia's apparent determination to act as though nothing had changed between them. Maybe she didn't want things to change?

Ed knew he'd just drive himself crazy with "what if's", so he decided to push Benson from his mind and focused on the case at hand. When that didn't work, he headed down the hall to get a cup of coffee.

* * *

After they left Tucker's office, Olivia excused herself to the restroom and told Dodds she'd meet him downstairs. She'd seen the disappointment in Ed's face when she ignored his offer of assistance. She knew that she was probably overreacting, but she just felt weird seeing him after what happened.

It was all she could do not to look at his mouth and remember how it felt, how he tasted. He acted like it didn't affect him at all. She doubted that was the case, he had as good a pokerface as she did.

"Jeez, Olivia," she said as she braced herself on the bathroom sink and looked at her reflection in the mirror. "Get a grip, it was just a kiss. One kiss."

But it wasn't just a kiss. She knew it, and she knew that Ed knew it. She hadn't expected him to get under her skin. She'd played it very cool, and she knew that probably confused him. She was confused, too.

Olivia had finally settled into her life with Noah and the notion that it would be the two of them against the world. She'd put aside any ideas of trying to introduce a man into their lives, at least for the moment.

Then Ed Tucker wormed his way into her dreams and now her life. Nothing had happened that was irreversible, but she found herself wanting more. And that scared the hell out of her.

"Not the time," She told herself as she splashed some cold water on her face. She grabbed a paper towel, dried off and then headed out to find Dodds.

She was fiddling in her purse looking for her phone as she exited the women's restroom, so she wasn't exactly watching where she was going. She slammed into a solid mass causing her to drop her phone.

"Shit, sorry," she mumbled as she bent to retrieve the device.

"S'okay," Ed said. "I got it."

Olivia froze as Ed's arm brushed past hers and he grabbed her phone. She kept her eyes on his as they both stood.

He finally broke eye contact and looked down at the phone in his hand, flipping it over before handing it to her. "Doesn't look like it's any worse for the wear."

"Thanks," she said taking the phone from him. She felt goosebumps break out as his fingers brushed over her hand. She hoped he didn't notice.

Of course, he did. He tried to suppress the smirk, but his eyes gave him away. She shifted her weight and looked away.

"Olivia, I don't want to make you uncomfortable," he said softly as he stepped closer to her. It was a gesture to keep their conversation private and hopefully ease the awkwardness. It appeared to have the opposite effect.

Olivia drew a sharp breath and slowly looked back at him. She saw nothing but sincerity.

He started to say something else, but she stopped him with a raised hand.

"You're not," she almost whispered.

He rolled his eyes because it was obvious that even she didn't believe what she was saying.

"Okay, so I don't know exactly how to handle this," she admitted.

"That's fair," he said, and she visibly relaxed.

"I really don't want to talk about this here," she said looking around the hallway.

He nodded. He understood that any kind of development beyond friendship would be complicated for both of them. He didn't want to pressure her. He just wanted her to give it a chance.

"I need for things to just stay the same and above board for right now," she said. She saw the flash of disappointment on his face, so she quickly added, "At least while we're at work."

He gave her a half smile. "Understood."

"I've gotta get back," she said and stepped to the side.

He put his hand on her forearm. It wasn't a grab, just a motion to stop her from walking away.

"Can I call you?" He asked.

"Sure," she said before rushing off to find Dodds.

* * *

When Tucker showed up at the 1-6 later to fill the squad in on his interviews with Russo and Jefferson, he played it as straight as he ever had. He was convinced he saw gratitude in Benson's expression as they discussed the case as though all was normal.

Ed was the one who was uncomfortable when he heard that St. Fabiola's was involved. His cousin worked there, and Ed once again had a strong sense of foreboding.

Olivia gave him a funny look when he mentioned that his cousin was a counselor at the school, but she didn't press it. She even seemed happy that he was going to go talk to Eugene and try to get more information for the case.

So it was the worst possible turn of events when Tucker was back with the squad after Cara's overdose, and it appeared that it was his connection to his cousin, Father Eugene, that had turned things sour for Cara. Ed felt sick. He felt rage. He looked at Olivia, and dreaded the next step.

His confrontation with Eugene was pretty intense, and it took all of Ed's control not to punch the guy. He had to fight to not lash out at Olivia as she pulled him away. Once they got outside, he refused to look at her. He was ashamed to even be related to Eugene, and he didn't want any of his anger to spill onto her.

He locked down, and he knew the second Olivia saw it. The IAB wall slammed down behind his eyes, and he retreated. He did it to protect her from his anger. He did it to respect her request that they keep things professional while working.

She backed off, accepting that he'd gotten himself under control. They discussed next steps, and he was shocked to hear that she'd let Nina stay at her apartment.

Ed thought about accompanying Olivia back to her apartment to talk to Sister Nina, but he feared it would blur the line between their work and personal relationship. He knew that was an issue for her, so he opted to let her go and called an Uber for himself.

* * *

Olivia was relieved that Ed had calmed down by the time the Uber arrived. She knew he'd had to work hard to bring his temper under control, and she was thankful that he thought enough of her to try and temper it.

She was also relieved that he decided to head back to his office instead of going with her to see Nina. Part of her wanted him there and knew that he wanted to go with her. But it was just too much, too soon, taking him to her home, even if it was for a case.

She did wait with him for the Uber to arrive. She knew he'd been wanting to continue their earlier conversation, and now that they were away from prying eyes, she expected him to bring it up. He didn't disappoint.

"So," he said letting a bit of his apprehension seep through. "I'm sorry about earlier at my office. I shouldn't have pushed you."

"You didn't," she said.

He gave her a look that said he didn't believe her.

"I mean it," she insisted. "You weren't pushy. I just don't really know how to. I don't know how I'm supposed to."

Olivia shook her head in frustration. This shouldn't be so difficult.

"Olivia," Ed said stopping her rambling with a light grip on her elbow. "I understand. This is new territory for you, for both of us. I don't want to pressure you into something you're not ready for."

"It's not that," she said. "Well, not exactly."

He waited for her to continue but stepped a little closer, keeping his hand on her arm.

"It's us. Ed Tucker and Olivia Benson," she said with a laugh. "It's insane."

He moved to hold her other arm. She didn't seem to mind his increasing invasion of her space, and even twisted her arms so she was holding his forearms.

"But you're not denying that there's something worth exploring," he said almost punctuating each of the last three words.

She looked up at him and nodded. She couldn't believe this was happening right now. She shouldn't have feelings for this man, at least not the types of feelings he was eliciting at the moment.

He squeezed her elbows before running his hands down her arms and taking her hands in his. She felt a shiver go through her whole body.

"I know there's no reason that we should work," he said softly. "But if you're willing to give me a shot, I'd like to spend some more time with you."

She swallowed. He'd always been straight to the point, but it was so different when it was personal.

"That's all this is, Benson," he said with a hint of a tease in his tone. "It's just two colleagues spending some time together to get to know each other."

"Well, I don't know about you," she said with a smirk. "But I don't usually stick my tongue down my colleagues' throats."

"Point taken," he laughed. "But it was kinda nice."

"Nice?" She said with a raised eyebrow.

"Benson," he warned. "I'm trying to figure you out, and you're not making it very easy."

"When have I ever made things easy for you?" She challenged.

"What I mean is," he began, not taking the bait. "You say things like that, and I don't know if you want me to give you space?"

He shifted his weight, so he was slightly leaned away from her.

"Or," he said dropping his voice and leaning back in closer than before, "If I can crowd you a bit?"

Well, that was one way to put it she thought. Her brain kept telling her to scream "Give me space!". So she was almost surprised to find herself leaning in and meeting him halfway.

Ed smiled at her nonverbal answer. Then he brought one of his hands up to rest at the juncture of her neck and shoulder and kept his other hand holding one of hers tightly.

The honk of a car horn broke the spell, and they looked to see that Ed's Uber had arrived. He laughed as though he knew it was too good to be true. Olivia just flashed a shy smile and looked down.

Not one to give up, Ed leaned down to get her to look back up at him. When she did, he placed a light peck on the side of her mouth. Then he stepped away and toward the Uber.

"Wanna meet me for a drink later?" He asked as he opened the car door.

"I don't know how late I'm going to be," she said.

He frowned thinking she was turning him down.

"Text me, and we'll see where I'm at," she said.

He gave her a nod and got in the car holding back his broad smile until he was out of sight.

Olivia shook her head and wondered once again what in the world she was thinking. But something about Ed seemed different. In the few non-work conversations they'd had, he'd been genuinely interested and interesting. It was also surprisingly easy to talk to him, and it was nice not having to explain her job or her situation. For the most part, he knew her baggage and wasn't deterred by it. Besides, what harm could it do to have a drink. It's not like it committed her to anything.

* * *

As agreed, Ed had texted Olivia when he left his office that evening. He'd said things were swirling around 1PP that concerned him, but he'd rather talk about it in person. She agreed to meet him later, but told him it'd probably be 8 or 9 before she'd be free. He gave her the name address of a very out-of-the way pub, and said to text if anything changed.

Olivia was a little surprised that he was bringing work into the conversation given their previous talks, but this case had everyone reeling. She was definitely curious about whatever rumblings were going on within 1PP.

Those thoughts were still swirling in her head when she and Dodds got to Barba's office. This ring seemed to hit the highest levels of the NYPD and the Church. And every new piece of information was worse than the last.

When Barba asked Dodds to leave, Olivia immediately knew that something was terribly wrong. She had no idea how right she was.

* * *

a/n: yikes, sorry to leave it there, but I wanted to get out an update before too much more time passed. I'l try to be quick about the next one!


	8. Chapter 8

a/n: Sorry, I know it was a bit evil to leave the last chapter where I did, but hopefully I was fast enough updating to make up for it :) Here we pick up the end of Manhattan Transfer and into Unholiest Alliance. Also to every single one of you who has reviewed this story, ily, you make it worth writing. Hint hint…

* * *

Olivia eyed Barba as she waited for him to drop whatever bomb he was about to drop. She was immediately on guard when he started asking about Tucker. Why did Barba want to know about Tucker? Sure he was involved in the case, but that was to be expected given the apparent high level NYPD involvement.

When Barba said that Monsignor Mulregan's allegations weren't against Father Eugene, but against Tucker, Olivia was floored. She felt him watching her, gauging her reaction.

"Barba," she finally says. "I know IAB and SVU haven't always been on the best of terms, but Tucker is a straight shooter."

"You're defending him?" Barba asks. "Didn't he almost destroy both of your former partners?"

"Yeah," she said shaking her head in disbelief at the direction this was headed.

"Didn't he even arrest _you_?" Barba pushed.

"He did," she said. "But he was just doing his job."

"Liv," he said. "What's going are here? Are you actually defending Ed Tucker?"

"Look, I know we have a history," she began. "But no matter what happened in the past, I know Ed is not involved in this. He wouldn't."

He didn't miss her use of the IAB Captain's first name. He studied her before pushing a little more.

"What are you saying?" He asked. "Are you… are you involved with him?"

"What?" She gasped. "No, of course not."

He gave her a signature Barba glare that made it clear he wasn't buying it.

"We've gone out for drinks a couple times," she admitted. "It's nothing."

"Olivia," he warned.

"That's the truth," she said honestly. "I'm not saying it couldn't ever become… _something_ , but right now that's all it is."

"Still, you're not exactly objective," he said without accusation.

"If anyone had a reason to distrust Tucker, it's me and my squad," she said. "But while I can't say I always agreed with his methods, he's not a bad guy. He's good police."

The two of them stood, eyes locked, for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Barba broke the silence.

"I hope you're right," he said. "For your own sake."

She relaxed a tiny bit and went to retrieve her coat.

"But Liv," he said causing her to turn back to him. "Be careful, this isn't going to go away easily. He's got a major fight on his hands."

She pursed her lips and nodded.

"Don't let him drag you down with him," he added as she headed toward the door.

* * *

The bar wasn't busy, so Ed spotted Olivia the minute she walked through the door. He was sitting at a booth in the back, two glasses of bourbon on the table.

"Hey," he said, standing as she approached. "Thanks for coming."

"Hey," she said obviously unsure how to greet him.

He selfishly wanted to pull her close and hold her tight to draw on some of her strength. He compromised by reaching out to give her a light embrace. She responded with a little pat on his back.

Then they took their seats on opposite sides of the booth. She glanced at the drink before her and shook her head with a smile. He was determined to get her to like bourbon.

Ed watched her. He wondered if she knew. He guessed that she didn't since she'd shown up, but surely if the ADA knew, she did.

"Ed," she said. Then she paused and took a sip of her drink.

She knew. He could tell by the tone of her voice.

"Olivia," he said. "You have to know, I'd never…"

He looked down. What was he supposed to say? After all he'd put her through, her squad, her former partners. Did he really expect her to believe him or even care about his current situation?

But she was here. That had to mean something.

"I didn't cover this up," he said.

"I know," she answered.

He looked up at her. Did she really believe him? His insecurity must have shown because her face softened, and she almost smiled at him.

"You, you believe me?" He couldn't stop the question from tumbling out his mouth. He hated how vulnerable he must have sounded to her, but he was almost desperate for some reassurance.

"Ed," she said in the voice she usually reserved for victims. "I know we don't have the most congenial history, but you're good police."

He felt some of the tension start to leave his body. The storm was still raging around him, but at least he had a tiny shelter in the faith of Olivia Benson.

"Besides, I would never have agreed to have a single drink with you if I thought you were capable of what they're claiming," she added.

"Thanks, Benson," he said reverting to a bit of professionalism to keep his emotions in check.

She smiled and took another sip of her drink. He realized she was giving him a minute to collect himself. He was grateful, but he also felt a sudden sense of guilt.

Before he could say anything, she started peppering him with questions about what he knew, what had been said to him, what his plan of attack would be. They went back and forth exchanging information, until he was once again hit with guilt at the realization that she was giving him information that she might later have to use in a case 1PP built against him.

"Olivia," he said reaching across the table. She had both hands folded around her glass, so he placed one of his hands over one of hers. "You know how this goes."

She let her hand fall away from her glass and into his grip. Then she just stared at their hands and didn't say anything.

"I don't know if I'm going to make it though this unscathed," he said.

She finally looked at him, and he saw the sadness in her eyes. Sadness for him? Or for them? Of that he wasn't sure. He couldn't let it matter.

"I think we should take a step back," he said registering the shock on her face. "Just until this blows over."

She bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath. Just as she started to respond, he stopped her.

"I'd never forgive myself if you got tangled up in this because of me," he said. He meant it. If they'd been in this longer, if they knew for sure that it was something they both wanted to pursue it might be different now.

She took a deep steadying breath, and then she nodded.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Olivia was in a cab on the way home. She didn't know what to think of her conversation with Ed. She'd meant every word when she said she believed in his innocence.

However, the longer the conversation continued, the more she'd heard Barba's words ringing in her ear. _"Don't let him drag you down with him."_

Ed seemed to have the same idea. His worry for her and how this might impact her was palpable. It was kinda sweet, but it was also necessary. If 1PP thought she was involved with him, they'd certainly remove her from the case, maybe worse.

They'd talked a bit more as he paid their tab and hailed her a cab. She'd insisted that she was more than capable of seeing herself home, but he'd insisted that it was the least he could do.

They'd left it that they wouldn't continue anything extra-professional until this case was settled or at least his part of it. She'd known the decision disappointed him, but he'd been clear that it was the only option.

She still felt a sting of regret. She felt like she should be there for him, help him in some way. She certainly didn't owe him, and it wouldn't do either of them any good if she got in trouble for being involved with him. So she tried to let it go. To let him go.

Olivia indulged her concern for Ed for the whole cab ride to her apartment, but once she was home, she forced herself to set it aside. They'd both agreed that it was better this way.

* * *

The next few days didn't get any better. For Ed they got worse. SVU was assigned to follow-up on the allegations against Tucker, so Captain Harris insisted that they do just that.

Olivia knew that Harris didn't buy into Tucker's involvement any more than she did, but he'd had to recuse himself due to their friendship. She knew that she should recuse herself as well, but Barba accepted her insistence that their relationship hadn't gotten to the point that her recusal was necessary.

It didn't make the task any easier. She found herself wanting to call or text Tucker to give him a heads up, but she couldn't. That would just make it worse for both of them. As the case wore on, they finally started to get some leads to exonerate Tucker, but it was slow going.

"Benson," Harris called from his office pulling her from her thoughts. "Got a sec?"

"Of course," she said as she stood and headed his way.

He didn't say anything until she was in his office and he'd shut the door. That didn't bode well.

"Tucker put his papers in this morning," he said.

"What?" She gasped. "Why?"

"1PP wants a head on a platter," he said. "And with St. Fabiola's going scorched earth, it's not leaving him many options."

"But he's innocent," she insisted.

"I know that, and you know that," Harris said. "But sometimes the damage can't be repaired."

"He could get past this," Olivia said. She didn't know why this upset her so much, but she couldn't accept it.

"He could," Harris agreed. "I just think he didn't want to keep fighting. If he gets out now, he's got enough years to draw a full pension, and he'll still be exonerated. Eventually."

Olivia just shook her head.

"Look at it this way," he said. "Now he can enjoy retirement. Smell the roses."

She looked at him and wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or scream. There was a time, ages ago when she'd have loved to see Ed Tucker forced to retire like he'd made so many before him. But this wasn't right. He deserved better after devoting the latter half of his career to being despised by half of NYPD in order to protect people from the occasional bad apples that wormed their way into the ranks of the force.

Olivia had always been an empathetic person, so she should be surprised by her sympathy for Ed. Still, she was. She was heartbroken for him.

* * *

Ed sat on a bar stool at the very end of the old dingy bar. His neighborhood bar.

He couldn't believe his career was over, but he'd seen the writing on the wall. 1PP needed a warm body, and he was it. He knew that he'd eventually be found innocent, but he didn't know how long that would take or if he'd have to go through appeals and protracted legal battles. It was easier to walk away.

He laughed bitterly as his swilled his bourbon. How many officers had he put the screws to? How many times had he told an officer he suspected was innocent to retire before it was too late? Maybe this was his karma.

"Harris said I'd find you here," a voice rang out behind him.

"Olivia," he choked. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard you put your papers in," she said.

He was on his third drink and was definitely feeling the buzz. He didn't want her to know that, so he tried to take a few deep breaths before he answered.

"What else was I supposed to do?" He said.

"Clear your name?" She said, obviously annoyed.

"Look, Liv," he said. "I probably would have retired in a year or two anyway. This just moved up the timeline."

"So you just gave up?" She said with fire in her eyes. "The big bad IAB man goes down without a fight?"

"It's not like that," he insisted.

She cocked her head at him.

"Why do you care, Olivia?" He said feeling a bit guilty when she winced at his words. "I mean, I thought we agreed to cool it for a while?"

"I don't know, Ed," she said shaking her head. "I honestly don't know. It just seems wrong for you to go out this way."

"Yeah, well," he said with a shrug.

He didn't know how to tell her that he felt completely defeated. That without someone who was solidly behind him, he just didn't care to fight this battle.

He turned away from her and hunched over the bar cradling his drink in his hands. He didn't know what else to say.

Olivia studied him and sighed as the realization hit her. Maybe in an alternate life, if they'd been further along in their relationship she would have stood beside him. But then what would that have meant for her own career? If she'd truly cared about him, she knew wouldn't have cared how impacted her job.

None of that matter now, she told herself. They weren't in that place, and he'd already quit. She somehow knew that meant he'd quit her as well.

"Take care of yourself, Tucker," she said as she turned and walked away leaving him alone with his bourbon.

* * *

a/n: I know, I know. I'm a horrible person. But oh the places we'll go if you just keep reading and reviewing. Next couple chapters are gonna be doozies, but in a good way ;)


	9. Chapter 9

a/n: Here we go people. It's about to get a little crazy up in here, but good crazy! Featured ep is Heartfelt Passages - yikes!

* * *

"Benson, you got a second?" Harris called from his office.

"Sure, Cap," she said standing up from her desk.

He held the door as she walked through, then he shut it behind them. Olivia immediately felt a pang of panic. It wasn't usually a good sign when the door needed to be closed.

"Relax, Benson," Harris said taking his seat behind the desk and motioning for her to sit as well. "It's good news."

"Oh?" She asked in slight disbelief.

"Yes, Sergeant," he said in his typical aloof manner. "Or should I say 'Lieutenant'?"

It took a minute for his words to register, but then a smile spread across her face. She'd felt good after taking the exam last month, but making Lieutenant was more than just passing a test. 1PP also had to be on board.

"Congratulations," Harris said.

"Thanks," she said.

"Up for some more good news?" He said cryptically.

"Uh, sure?" She said, even though she was anything but sure.

"After your promotion is official in a couple weeks, I'll be turning SVU back over to you," he said. His voice didn't betray any emotion, and Benson wasn't sure if this was good news for him, at least not as much as it was for her.

"Wow, that soon?" she said.

"Yeah, I'm calling it quits," he said.

"What? Quits, quits?" That wasn't what she expected. She assumed he'd be heading to 1PP or somewhere else up the food chain. "I thought this was just a stop on the way up for you?"

"You almost got it," he said. "It was a stop on the way out. I just needed a few more months to get enough time to draw full retirement. That's why Tucker suggested SVU."

Olivia remembered how mad she'd been when Harris first showed up at SVU, and she'd thought he'd conspired with Tucker to keep her out of command. That's the only reason she knew about Harris's sister. His sister. It suddenly made sense. She'd never told Harris that she knew about his sister's situation, so she didn't want to bring it up now. But it filled in a lot of gaps for her.

"Now, I can afford to pack it up and move to Philly to be closer to my sister," he said.

She looked at him in surprise. He knew that she knew?

"Tucker confessed that he told you," Harris explained. "I asked him because was curious when you suddenly quit resenting my frequent absences a couple months back."

"Ahh," she said nodding in understanding. "How's she doing?"

"Cancer's spread to her stomach," he said looking away.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said. "I can't imagine how difficult this must be."

"She's getting some of the best treatment available," he said. "The doctors tell us we have every reason to be optimistic that she'll make it to remission, again."

"She's lucky to have a brother who cares so much," she said her voice cracking with a bit of emotion that surprised even her. "It's really amazing what you're doing for her. Giving up your career, moving to another state."

"I'm all she's got."

"You're a good man, Harris."

"Enough of that," he said. "How's the Munson case going?"

She smiled. Then went back to business mode and started filling him in on the details. She and Barba were trying to build as strong a case as they could, but it wasn't easy. They were getting stalled from every angle.

"Keep me updated," Harris said as they both stood.

"Will do," she said with a smile knowing that in a couple weeks she'd be the one back behind the big desk.

"And Benson," he called as she opened the office door. "Think about who you want for your number two."

She was a little thrown off by the remark and didn't respond other than to stare at him.

"Better you pick, than a random draw."

She nodded with a sigh. She was eager to get her command back after all these months, but she dreaded being thrown back into the politics of leadership.

Having Harris there had been the best of both worlds. She basically got to run the squad, but he dealt with all the bullshit at 1PP, the press and the paperwork. Now, all of that would fall back on her shoulders.

She took a deep breath and smiled to herself. It was worth it. This is what she'd been waiting for all this time. It's why she'd finally sucked it up and taken the Lieutenant's exam. And now it seemed that everything was working out.

* * *

A couple days later, Olivia, Carisi and Amanda made their way to Hannigan's. Fin volunteered to hold down the fort at the 1-6, while the other three went to Harris's retirement party. He still had another week at SVU, but his last day was literally his last day in New York. He was leaving for Philly immediately. Thus the party, tonight.

The bar was packed. Harris wasn't the easiest person to get to know, but he was loyal and a good cop. He'd clearly earned the respect and friendship of a lot of NYPD, from the lowest to the highest ranks judging by the current mix at the bar.

Olivia excused herself to the ladies room while Carisi and Rollins went to order their drinks and hopefully find a table or some barstools. It took her almost half an hour to weave her way thought the crowd to the restroom, because she kept getting stopped by this person or that. Some she knew well, so she didn't mind the interruption. Others, while they congratulated her on her promotion, she knew were just playing the game. She played nice, but loathed the process.

"Good to see you, too," she called to Captain Donovan, a man she barely knew. She sighed with relief when she finally spotted Carisi and Rollins hovering around a small hightop table with no barstools. She started making her way towards them through the crowd when someone bumped into her.

"Hey watch it," she said, thankful she didn't have a drink in her hand.

"Olivia?"

"Ed," she gasped. A wave of deja vu hit her, but she couldn't quite place the memory.

"I didn't realize you'd be here," she said as she shook off the feeling of deja vu.

"He's been a good friend all these years," Ed replied. "And he invited me."

"Of course," she said. Olivia knew that Ed was a loyal friend.

"I heard you made Lieutenant," he said with a slight smile. "Congrats."

"Thanks," she said and ducked her head. She was proud of her accomplishments, but she found herself feeling shy at the knowledge that Tucker had helped her in his own way.

They stood their in awkward silence for a few beats. Olivia found it unnerving.

"So how's retirement treating you?" She said trying to get him to talk.

"It's an adjustment," he said. "I'm not used to the quiet now that I'm not in the city."

"You… you left New York?" she said trying and failing to hide her shock.

"Yeah, I have a little bungalow on the beach on Long Island," he said as though it were common knowledge. "I've got my apartment here on the market."

"Wow," she said. "I had no idea."

"It's always been my retirement plan," he said. There was an air of rigidity about him. It was clear he'd moved on. He was gone. He'd left the city and any hope of something with her behind.

"Sounds nice," she said absentmindedly, trying to keep her disappointment in check. "I guess I should go find Harris and give him my best."

"He's over there," Ed said with a nod to the opposite corner.

"Thanks," she said.

"Hmph," he grunted by way of response.

"Enjoy the bourbon," Olivia said with glance at the drink in his hand.

"Yeah," he huffed and turned away from her.

Wow, Olivia thought as she made her way through the bar. That was awkward. She tried not to take it personally. It's not like they'd been involved. It was just a couple drinks, and a kiss. Still, a part of her felt like she was missing out on something.

Shaking it off, she made her way toward her colleagues and decided to chat with Harris later. Surely he'd be making the rounds.

* * *

A few days later, the squad was relatively quiet. It was Harris's last day, so he was packing up his things. Olivia looked forward to getting her office back. It had been a bit of a shock these past few months being back into the bullpen.

Not wanting to appear overeager, she decided to wait until tomorrow, when Harris was gone, before packing up her things to move back in. She doubted Harris would care. While he played the political game well, he didn't seem as political in nature as she once thought him to be.

The shrill ring of her cell phone snapped Olivia out of her thoughts. It was Lisa Munson. After a brief conversation, Olivia convinced Lisa to let her come by and get her and the kids out.

"Problem?" Harris said seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"That was Lisa Munson," she said. "We need to do a close job."

"She's leaving him?" Amanda asked joining the conversation.

"Yep," Benson said with a nod. "And she needs a little help."

"Want me to go with you, Lieu?" Carisi asked.

"I'll go," Fin piped in.

"Well, one of you, come on," she said and headed toward the elevator leaving it up to them to decide.

Carisi didn't give Fin a chance to react as he jumped up and followed Olivia down the hall. \

She smiled when she saw him. She knew he'd be the one to join her.

* * *

Once they got to Munson's house, nothing went as planned. First, Lisa wouldn't even answer the door. When she finally did, they were immediately confronted by an obviously aware of what was going on, Gary.

Olivia felt very uneasy. She knew this wasn't going to end well. The whole time they were in the house, she felt an impending sense of doom that she couldn't shake. She'd only felt that a few times in all her years on the force, and it never ended well.

When Lisa went upstairs to get her things, Olivia looked at Carisi then nodded toward the kids. He took the hint and went to chat with them about the movie they were watching, doing his best to distract them from the events unfolding in their home.

Gary seemed on edge, but controlled. Olivia followed him into the kitchen as he pulled a beer from the refrigerator. The longer he talked, the more she realized he was coming unhinged. They had to get Lisa and the kids out of the house asap.

As soon as Lisa returned with their things, Olivia started urging the kids up and out. They took a minute to hug their father goodbye. Lisa started to follow, but Gary kept talking to her, taunting her.

The next few minutes went by in a blur. One minute the kids were heading for the door with Carisi, and Lisa was right behind them with Olivia. The next minute, the kids were safely out with Carisi, but Gary had Lisa by the throat with a gun to her head. And he was screaming at Olivia to lose her gun.

She carefully removed her gun from its holster, removed the clip and placed both on the coffee table. Then Gary told Olivia to leave, and lock the door on her way out.

"You know I can't do that," she said, her voice sounding much calmer than she felt. She didn't know how to explain it, but knew she wasn't making it out of here unscathed.

"This is between me and my wife," Gary said. "You need to get out."

"No," she answered simply. "We can all walk out of here together."

"I can't," he said. "This is it for me."

They heard the doorknob being jiggled. Gary pointed his gun at Olivia and shook his head.

"Lieu?" Carisi called from the other side. "Everything okay in there?"

"We're fine, Carisi," she said never taking her eyes off Gary. "We're not opening the door right now."

Gary nodded his approval.

"The kids really want their mother," Carisi said hoping to change the dynamic. Realizing he wasn't getting anywhere, he stepped away from the house and called Harris.

Olivia knew that Carisi's silence meant he was calling this in. Very soon, the house would be surrounded, and the situation would be even more desperate for Munson.

She tried to talk to him, to help him see that it would be better to end this now before it got to that point. That seemed to set him off even more.

"I'm tired of you women telling me what to do," he said yanking on Lisa causing her to cry out.

Olivia could see that Munson was nervous. She could also see through the partially closed blinds that ESU had arrived. If they beat down the door and Munson panicked, it would likely result in all of their deaths.

She watched Munson as his eyes darted around the room. If she could get his gun, maybe they could save Lisa.

"This isn't going to end well," Gary said. "You need to leave now, if you want to live."

He put the gun back on Olivia.

"You're insane," she said. "We're all walking out of here together."

Munson cocked the gun. Then he started waxing poetic about Lisa and how she'd stabbed him right through the heart. Lisa tried to follow Olivia's lead and talk him down saying she'd undo this day if she could.

Olivia knew she had no chance of overpowering him, so she had to rely on the element of surprise. He seemed momentarily unfocused by Lisa's remorse over their current predicament.

It was now, or never.

Her eyes never left the gun as she launched herself toward Gary Munson grabbing for the weapon.

At first, it seemed that her surprise attack was going to be successful. She got a hand on the gun, and he was still focused on keeping a hold on Lisa.

But that all changed in an instant.

Munson flung Lisa to the side, and turned his attention to Olivia.

She refused to let go of her hold on the gun.

He still had a hand on it, too.

She heard the shot.

Time stopped.

* * *

Mass chaos. That was the only way to describe it.

ESU was in the house within seconds, or so it seemed.

"Lieutenant," Carisi called as he rushed to Olivia's side.

Munson was surrounded by uniforms.

Olivia heard Carisi, but she wasn't sure what he was saying. Then he came into view. He was kneeling.

 _Was she on the ground?_

She moved her eyes around trying to assess the situation. She didn't feel any pain. She didn't feel anything at all.

She was in shock. She must have been hit.

Carisi was still talking to her. She opened her mouth to tell him she was okay, but he held up a hand.

"Don't try to talk," he said. "Bus is on the way."

Olivia closed her eyes. A bus was on the way, for her.

"Olivia," Carisi said in a rare break of protocol. "Stay with me."

"C-c-cold," she managed to say.

"It's okay, Lieu," he said rubbing her arm. "They'll be here any minute."

"Where…I…what…hit?" She tried to ask. She literally couldn't feel anything, so she had no idea where the bullet got her.

"Upper abdomen," he said. He realized that she couldn't feel him applying pressure to the wound. He hoped it was just shock and not something more serious. She also had a huge gash on her head where she'd apparently hit the coffee table on her way down.

"Mmm," she acknowledged before she coughed and sputtered some blood.

She could tell by Carisi's expression that things didn't look good for her. But paramedics were there within minutes and started assessing her condition.

As soon as they moved her from her inclined position against the couch to lie flat, Olivia felt a stab of pain surge through her entire right side.

"Lieutenant!" Carisi shouted before the medics could shoo him away.

Olivia was vaguely aware of the chorus of voices around her, but she didn't feel a thing. Somewhere in the chaos, she did hear one voice yelling her name, but it made no sense. The panicked voice she heard was that of Ed Tucker.

Ed Tucker who wasn't even there. Ed Tucker who'd left the city. Ed Tucker who'd walked away. That was her last cogent thought.

Then there was nothing.

* * *

a/n: WHAT?! Hope you're still with me on this one. It's about to get interesting up in here.


	10. Chapter 10

_a/n: This was a tough one to write because things are about to get a little confusing. Hopefully, it makes sense. And even more hopefully, you like it._

* * *

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die.

Olivia didn't know if she was dying, but she couldn't stop the things that were flashing through her mind. She was completely oblivious to the paramedics that were shouting instructions to each other as they rushed her gurney toward the waiting ambulance.

She always assumed it was your whole life that you saw at this moment, all the important moments from childhood to present day. But these memories were surprisingly focused on one subject.

Not Noah, as she'd expect. Not her mother. Not even SVU or Stabler or anyone else she'd worked with for most of her adult life. Every single memory was of Ed Tucker.

Stranger still, the memories weren't memories. Or maybe they were. She really didn't know. It was like she was flashing back on what might have been and what also was. She was also acutely aware that she was aware of all this. It was like an out of body experience.

She first heard his voice. _You should try the bourbon. Man up, would ya. Don't make a liar outta me._ It was like a recording playing in her mind.

Then came the images and sensations. _His arm around her waist after Utley was shot. His hands tight on hers a they realized her fate was tied to his as Father Eugene went down. The warmth of his lips on hers. Holding Noah's hands and letting him skip between them down the Champs Élyssées._

Then his voice was back, but now it was sad, distant. _Take care of yourself, Olivia Benson._

What followed was disjointed. She saw their awkward exchange at the bar. Him saying something about trying the bourbon. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes as she tried to get away. Not away from him, away from the mistake of leaving him, of letting him go.

She could almost feel the wind whipping at her tear streaked face as she stuck her hand up to hail a cab. She heard a crash so loud she swore she felt it.

But wasn't she shot while inside a house, not on the street? She thought she remembered Munson holding a gun on her. Or was that someone else? Some other time? She saw Ed leading pall bearers down the steps of a church and remembered the sorrow. She was so confused.

Was she dead?

She tried to focus on what she could see and hear. She didn't see anything other than the mixed up images of her and Ed.

She swore she could hear Ed calling her name.

Then nothing.

* * *

Ed stood outside the hospital room trying to see as much as he could through the window. His heart was in his throat as he watched the doctor and nurses rush around responding to the wildly beeping machines.

Five minutes ago, everything had been fine. He'd been sitting by Olivia's side, where he'd been for every single one of the past 48 hours.

They'd finally said that the swelling in her brain had gone down enough to let her come out of the medically induced coma. That was almost 10 hours ago. He knew the doctors had expected her to wake up by now, and he tried not to let it worry him when she hadn't.

Then without warning, it seemed that every single monitor in the room went off at once. To look at her, there was no physical change in her appearance. But internally, it seemed everything went wrong at once.

"I'm here, Liv," he'd called out to her as the nurse had ushered him out of the room.

Now, all Ed could do was wait. He knew that the squad probably thought it was weird that he insisted on staying by her side even after everything.

He was the only one who knew that just because he'd accepted that their relationship was over, it would never change how he felt about her. He would always love Olivia Benson.

* * *

Olivia heard voices again, but these were unfamiliar. They were saying things like "BP still dropping" and "I can't get a steady pulse" and "push 10cc's" of something or other. Her heart was erratically pounding, and her head felt like it was going to explode.

If they could just be quiet. If they could just tell her what was going on.

Then, just as soon as it had begun, the cacophony died down. All Olivia could hear was a steady beeping sound.

 _I'm in the hospital._ She realized, guessing that meant she hadn't died. But she couldn't seem to open her eyes.

Then she heard voices again. They were far away but becoming clearer.

* * *

"What just happened? Is she okay?"

"She's stabilized," the doctor said. "We're not sure what triggered the reaction, but we've got her stable now. That's what matters."

"You're not sure?" Ed said his frustration growing.

"Sometimes these things happen," the doctor said. "We're pretty good at dealing with the aftermath, but modern medicine still doesn't understand all the workings of the unconscious brain."

"But she's okay," Ed said ignoring the doctor's philosophical rambling.

"She's stable," the doctor said, repeating his mantra.

Ed rolled his eyes. Doctors were getting to be as bad as attorneys with their carefully worded answers that gave no real information.

"Why isn't she waking up?" Ed asked.

"We honestly don't know," the doctor answered with a sympathetic tilt of the head. "Just give it time. Keep talking to her. Remind her that she has a reason to wake up."

Ed nodded. He would do whatever he could to get her to come back to him.

"You said you thought she was dreaming earlier," the doctor said. "Maybe it was just something in her dream that upset her, and when she couldn't wake herself it caused a sort of panic reaction."

Ed shrugged. That sounded more like pseudoscience than medicine he thought as he watched the doctor walk out the door.

He sighed as he slumped into the chair by her bed, his place of residence for the past two days. He clenched his jaw as he reached out to rub the back of her hand. He felt guilty. Not that it was his fault. But still, he felt he should have been able to protect her. He should have been right there with her.

* * *

Olivia tried very hard to concentrate on the voices she heard. She was certain that one belonged to Ed Tucker. The other, she didn't recognize.

Ed sounded upset. Frustrated.

She wanted to tell him she was trying to wake up. She just couldn't figure out how to get her eyes to open.

Then she felt it. A warm, familiar hand closed over the back of hers, his thumb rubbing against her knuckles.

She desperately wanted to turn her hand over and grab hold, but she couldn't seem to get her fingers to cooperate anymore than her eyelids.

"Liv," she heard him whisper. "Please wake up. Please come back to me."

 _I'm trying._ She thought. She realized she had no idea what was going on. Her mind was still tangled in mixed up memories, and she could tell which were real and which weren't. All she knew was that Ed's presence made her feel safe and comforted. And the pain evident in his voice made her ache.

She focused on the feel of his hand and the sound of his voice. She put everything she had into the feel of his hand and trying to reciprocate.

It felt like the signals from her brain to her hand were being sent through sludge. It was exhausting.

Then she flashed again on a memory. It was Ed spinning Noah up and over his head while Noah held his arms out like he was an airplane. The Eiffel Tower stood tall in the background, and Olivia happily snapped picture after picture.

 _I've never been happier_. She heard herself say breathlessly as Ed swung Noah into her arms and embraced them both grabbing one of her hands and planting a kiss on her temple.

She squeezed his hand, and leaned into him.

* * *

"Liv?" Ed said. "That's it."

He felt it. It was faint, but he'd definitely felt her fingers twitch.

He immediately flipped his hand and slid his palm against hers. He gently squeezed, and kept strumming his thumb over hers, hoping that she would return the gesture.

"Olivia," he said again leaning close to her ear. "I know you're in there, and I know you can hear me."

No response.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said, his voice almost breaking. "I never should have let you go. I thought I was doing what you wanted, what was best for both of us."

He scrubbed his free hand over his face as he continued his monologue. "I was wrong. And if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you and Noah."

Still nothing.

Ed let his head drop to rest on their joined hands. He tried to keep it together, but he couldn't stop the few tears that leaked from his eyes.

He yanked his head up when he heard it.

It was a moan.

He was sure he'd heard her moan.

"Liv?" He said with hope. "Come on, baby, please wake up."

He didn't even realize that he was rubbing her thumb again. Hard.

"Mmm."

"That's it," he said as he reached up with his other hand and brushed the hair from her face.

Ed studied her face, looking for any sign of consciousness.

She moaned again. This time her fingers curled against his.

Then like a miracle, her eyes slowly fluttered open.

* * *

Everything hurt.

At first, all Olivia could make out, was how bright it was. And how much pain she was in.

Then she heard it again. It was Ed's voice.

"Liv," he was saying over and over with a few "thank God's" thrown in.

She tried to look at him, but just the shifting of her eyes caused pain to shoot through her head. She slammed her eyes shut and was shocked at the guttural moan that emanated from her throat.

She took a few steadying breaths. Then she opened her eyes again.

This time Ed was right there, just inches from her face. He'd stood and leaned over her. He was gently brushing her hair away from her face.

When he saw her eyes open again, he leaned down and kissed her forehead so softly she barely felt it.

His other hand was still holding hers tightly. Too tightly.

She tried to pull her hand away, but in her weakened state, she was no match for his death drip.

"Let go," she managed as she wiggled her fingers.

A look of hurt flashed in Ed's eyes, but he let go of her hand. He stayed within her field of vision, but also straightened so he was no longer invading her space.

She didn't mean it like that, but she was too tired and weak to try to explain.

"I should probably let the doctor know you're awake," he said.

She frowned. How long had she been out? What exactly was it that happened to her? And why was Ed here? From the looks of his rumpled shirt and serious case of stubble, he'd been here at least a day. Maybe two.

"Couple a days," he said guessing her thoughts. "It's Saturday."

She frowned again.

"You were brought in Thursday night," Ed said. His expression was tight, and he struggled to not let the images of that day overtake him. She was awake, and she was going to be okay. And he was going to convince her to give him another chance. To give them a chance.

"I…," she said. Her mouth was so dry, it was difficult to speak. "When did you get here?"

"I never left," he said.

"But how did you know?" She asked. Then she closed her eyes. Just a few minutes of being awake and trying to talk to him had exhausted her.

"I really should let the doctor know you're awake," Ed said, obviously confused by her question.

Olivia's eyes flew open. "Don't go," she said moving her hand ever so slightly to reach for him.

She knew Edd was confused. Two minutes ago, she didn't want him touching her. Now, she didn't want him to leave.

Still, he stepped closer to her and swallowed hard when he saw the panic in her eyes.

"Noah?" she asked.

"He's with Rollins today," he told her. "Between her, Lucy and Carisi, they've been keeping the little guy distracted and well taken care of."

She knew she had contingencies in place, and she was relieved that they were working. Still she knew Noah would be asking for her after this long.

"They've just been telling him that mommy has to stay at work some extra days," he said, again anticipating her questions.

She briefly closed her eyes and gave a barely detectable nod.

"Maybe later we can FaceTime him?" Ed said.

That earned a faint smile.

"Now, I really need to let the doctor know that you're awake," he said and started moving away again.

And again she looked upset.

"Just for a minute," he said patting her arm. "I just need to let the doctor know. They need to check you out. Especially if you don't remember."

"Ed," she said.

"Just for a minute," he said with a forced smile.

She closed her eyes, and he must have accept that as her acquiescence because he gently placed her hand back on the bed and headed for the door.

* * *

Half an hour later, Ed stood by the side of Olivia's hospital bed listening to the doctor explain her injuries and pepper her with questions about what she remembered, how she felt, and on, and on. He could tell by her expression that she was in pain.

"Doc," Ed interrupted. "Can't you give her something for the pain?"

The doctor looked at Ed. He hadn't been keen on Ed staying in the room throughout his examination since he wasn't immediate family. It had been Olivia who insisted, much to Ed's satisfaction.

"We need to assess her condition, and the pain meds will make her too drowsy," the doctor said with less bedside manor than Ed would have preferred. .

"I'm fine," Olivia said softly.

Before the doctor could continue his questions, Olivia spoke again.

"But I would feel better, if you were up here," she said making a feeble attempt to reach out to him, just as she'd done earlier. Her wince belied her pain. She wasn't okay.

Ed immediately moved from his position at the foot of the bed, around to the opposite side from where the doctor was. He wasn't sure if he should take her hand, since she'd rebuffed him earlier, but she was the one reaching out to him.

He wouldn't deny her this small comfort. If he could help it, he wouldn't deny her anything, ever again.

He took her hand in both of his. Then he bent down and placed a kiss on her knuckles.

"Just a few more questions, Ms. Benson," the doctor said, interrupting their moment. "Then I'll put in an order for some medicine to relieve the pain."

They wrangled through a few more questions about her physical state of being, then the doctor finally left. He said he'd let her rest and that he'd follow up in the morning.

"You need rest, too," Olivia said once again taking in his haggard appearance.

"I'm fine," Ed said.

The corners of Olivia's mouth tipped up slightly at the sound of him giving her usual reply.

"You look like hell," she said.

"Gee, thanks." He said with a little laugh.

"I'm sure I look worse," she said. The doctor had explained that she had multiple contusions and lacerations, a broken arm and a concussion.

Ed started to protest, but she interrupted him.

"Have you," she began, then paused. "Have you been here the whole time?"

He tilted his head, obviously embarrassed to admit that he had. They weren't together. There was no reason for him to be here. Except he couldn't leave until he knew she was okay.

"I care about you, Liv," he said with a gruff voice. "That's never gonna change."

She looked at him. She still didn't remember what happened. Her mind was jumbled with conflicting images and emotions.

"What happened?" She asked.

"What do you remember?" He countered.

"I really don't know," she said. "I remember the retirement party."

He nodded. That was a start.

"I didn't expect to see you there," she said.

He nodded again.

"Since you left the city, I…," her voice trailed off, like she wasn't even sure what she was saying.

"What?" He was on an emotional roller coaster. One minute she made sense, and another, she was talking about stuff that never happened.

"I didn't leave the city," he said.

"I thought…," she shook her head. "I thought you moved." She swore she remembered someone telling her that he'd moved out of the city, but she couldn't remember who told her or where he'd supposedly moved.

Ed was worried. Before she'd been out of it, but that was to be expected with a head injury this severe. Now, she just wasn't making sense. He'd lived in Manhattan for the last 25 years, and he knew that she knew that.

* * *

a/n: Dun Dun!

Confession, I really had no intention of ending this update here, but it's just where it stopped. I do know where we're going, but we have a little leeway in how we get there. So… I kinda need to know - what you think! What do you think is going on with Olivia? What do you want to see? And don't just say "Tuckson gets it on" - we'll get there, eventualllllllly ;)


	11. Chapter 11

a/n: A somewhat lighter chapter… seriously. Don't get used to it ;)

* * *

"Mommy!" Noah said cheerfully his face filling the screen on Ed's phone.

"Hi, my sweet boy," Olivia cooed.

"You have booboo?" Noah asked trying to lean in a look at her more closely.

She touched her face. She'd tried to do her best to look okay, but without makeup or a shower, she knew she still looked pretty rough. There were scrapes and scratches all down the left side of her face, that she just couldn't hide.

"Yes, baby," she said. "Mommy has some booboos, but the doctors are going to make me all better."

"You come home now?" He asked with a pout.

"Not today," she said hating the disappointment she saw in his little face. "But very, very soon, okay."

"Okay," he said although he wasn't very convincing.

"Are you having fun with Lucy and Amanda?" She asked hoping to get him onto a happier subject.

"Uh huh," Noah said. "And Uncle Sonny taked me to da park and we kicked da ball. And we had hot dogs and ice cream!"

Olivia smiled. He was in good hands. Good hands that were spoiling him, but she was so thankful that they were doing their best to keep him cared for and distracted. She didn't care if he was getting some special treatment.

"Sounds really fun," she said. "I miss you so much."

"Miss you, too," he said.

"I'll call you everyday, until I can come home," she said with a look to Ed who sitting in a chair nearby. She was using his phone since hers had apparently been destroyed.

Ed nodded. He'd make sure she could keep that promise.

Noah noticed her distraction. "Who dere?"

"Ed's here," she said.

"My Tuck?" Noah's face disappeared, and her view suddenly swung up to the ceiling of her apartment then around the room. Olivia heard Lucy laughing in the background.

Then Lucy's face appeared. "He still doesn't quite understand how this works," she said with a smile. Then there was some shuffling while she situated Noah back in front of the lens.

Ed stood up and Olivia tilted the phone so he could get in the shot. He still had to lean in pretty close, and Olivia didn't miss the hitch of his breath as he draped his arm behind her to steady himself.

"Hey bud," Ed said. "Here I am."

"Tuck!" Noah said happily before looking down. "You gone a long time."

"I know," he said. He wasn't sure exactly how Olivia had explained his sudden disappearance from their lives. "I've missed you."

"You come see me?" Noah asked hopefully. It seemed he was getting visits from everyone as they rallied to make sure he was blissfully unaware of the seriousness of his mother's condition.

"I'd like that," Ed said with a glance toward Olivia. She barely tilted her head in acknowledgment, and he wasn't sure if it was agreement.

The three of them chatted for a couple more minutes before Olivia felt the pain meds kicking in. She was getting very drowsy, but she hated to end the conversation.

Ed noticed her blinks becoming slower and suggested they call it a night. Seeing the mutual disappointment, he reminded them that they could talk again tomorrow. It still took a little more convincing to get them to say their "I love you's" and "goodnight's", but they finally finished up.

Lucy and Ed spoke briefly to coordinate a time to talk tomorrow, and get Ed filled in on who was watching Noah at what times. Lucy was the only one who wasn't treating Ed like a third wheel. The squad still seemed on the fence about how involved Olivia would want him to be. However, since she'd been awake she hadn't made any indication that she didn't want him there. So he wasn't planning on leaving.

* * *

A few hours later, Olivia woke to a darkened hospital room. The only light filtering in through a window that looked out into the hallway.

She looked around for a clock and saw that it was 11:30pm. Her pain meds were clearly starting to wear off because just that little action of finding the time was a painful effort. She groaned.

"You're awake," Ed called from the corner of the room. "You need anything?"

"Ed?" Olivia was surprised to hear his voice. "What are you still doing here?"

"I must have dozed off," he said standing up.

She wasn't sure what that meant. Did that mean he'd planned to go home, but somehow fell asleep before that happened? Or that he meant to stay? Why hadn't the nurses kicked him out? Surely it was way past visiting hours.

"You don't have to stay all night," she said. "I'm fine."

"Like hell," he said and walked over to her bed.

She watched as he looked at her left arm which was in a cast and the abrasions on her face. Those were the injuries immediately visible. Her left side was basically one big bruise from shoulder to hip and her right side was bandaged and bruised as well.

"I mean," she said. "I'm fine here without you for the night."

He didn't say anything, so she continued.

"Go home, Ed," Olivia insisted. "Take a shower, shave, get some sleep in an actual bed."

"I…," he started, but didn't finish the thought. His expression said he was considering fighting her on this.

"I appreciate that you've been here," she said. "But come on, it's a hospital. I'm pretty sure they can take care of me for a few hours without your help."

She hoped the teasing would ease his obvious state of distress. It may have been months since they'd seen each other, but he seemed to want to be here. He was obviously upset seeing her so banged up.

"Really, I'll be okay," she said. "I'll just be knocked out with medication anyway."

He still seemed to be contemplating. Stubborn bastard.

"Look, I know you've got to be miserable," she said her tone softened a bit. "Sleeping in that chair has to be murder on your back. Think how nice it would be to catch a few hours in your own bed. And it's not like I won't still be here in the morning."

That seemed to work. Maybe he just needed to know that she wasn't telling him to go and not come back.

Not that she should want him to come back as badly as she did. They weren't together. However, he was here, and God help her, she was glad that he was. She'd deal with whether or not that was right, when she wasn't hopped up on medication and barely able to move.

"Okay, but I'm giving the night nurse my number," he said. "Promise you'll have them call me, if you need anything."

"I promise," she said, "Now, go."

He reluctantly nodded and turned toward the door. Before he got two steps away, he spun back to her and leaned down. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I thought I was gonna lose you," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh, Ed," she said. "I'm so sorry, but I'm okay. It's going to be okay."

He cleared his throat and stood up. He patted her hand.

"Want me to send the nurse with something for the pain?"

She nodded. He turned and headed for the door.

"I'll see you in the morning," he called, and then he was gone before his emotion got the better of him.

Olivia sighed as she watched him go. She was frustrated by how relieved she felt when he'd promised to be back tomorrow.

Her memories were still a jumbled mess, and Ed appeared to be the key ingredient. Every memory involving him played conflicting versions. While she was pretty sure what was real and what was a dream, they all felt real in terms of their impact on her emotions. She needed him to reassure her that she wasn't completely losing it, but she didn't know how to do that when just being around him broke her heart at the thought of what might have been.

* * *

Ed pulled a bottle of bourbon from his cabinet and poured a generous amount into a glass, leaving the bottle on the counter. He leaned back and took a long sip.

Olivia was right. He did feel somewhat better. A shower and shave certainly helped, and now, as he stood in his kitchen clad only in some navy boxers, he relished the burn of the liquor.

What was going on? Part of him felt like he'd been transported back in time and nothing had changed between them. In the hours he spent by her bed when she was in a coma, he knew without a doubt that his feelings for her were a strong as they ever were.

"Sonofabitch," he cursed and took another drink. That didn't matter. She'd made herself clear. She didn't want a relationship with him. She had sent him home, but she acted like she expected, even wanted, him to come back in the morning.

Hell, she was probably only tolerating his presence because she was concussed and medicated. That, and he knew that she hated hospitals, especially when she was the patient.

Between her frequent opiate induced naps, the interruptions by doctors and nurses and their call to Noah, Ed hadn't had a chance to talk to Olivia. To apologize for upsetting her at the party. To find out why she thought he'd left Manhattan. To beg her to give them another chance.

He huffed a wistful laugh before taking another sip. He wouldn't beg. That wasn't him. Still, somehow he had to figure out how to fix this. To fix them.

Before he could do that, he needed to figure out what she'd been talking about in the hospital. She'd seemed so confused. Then they came in to give her some pain medicine around 6pm. She'd insisted that they call Noah before they kicked in, and Ed couldn't deny her.

She had come around and was making more sense when they chatted with Noah, but he wasn't convinced. The doctors acted like it was no big deal, but Ed needed to know she was okay. Completely okay.

He downed the rest of his drink, put the glass in the sink and headed to bed. He hoped the bourbon would take enough of the edge off his emotions that he'd at least get a few hours of sleep.

* * *

"Didn't anyone tell you to look both ways before crossing the street?" Fin called, knocking on the door to Olivia's room as he made his way inside.

"Fin," she said with a half smile. She was propped up picking at some toast and bacon.

"Is that supposed to be breakfast?" Fin said.

She frowned.

"That's what I thought," he said. Then, he shifted his eyes like he was scoping the room. "Here, contraband."

Her smile broadened when she saw him pull a paper bag from inside his jacket.

"Is that?" she asked.

"A breakfast melt from Murray's," Fin said with a wink.

"You're a saint," she said. It was her favorite. One she rarely indulged anymore. "I'm surprised you remembered."

He just looked away. Fin wasn't a mushy sorta guy, but he had his moments.

They chatted a bit. Olivia tried to fish for information about how things were going at the squad, but Fin would have none of it. He simply insisted that everything was okay, and they'd be fine until she could come back.

He didn't stay long. That wasn't his style.

Not ten minutes after he left, Amanda and Carisi showed up. Amanda had graciously brought a little overnight bag with a change of clothes, some underwear, her toothbrush and some makeup.

Olivia hoped to be released in another day or two, but until then, she wanted some basic comforts. Amanda understood immediately, and stopped by Liv's apartment to pick up the requested items.

"Thanks, so much, Amanda," Olivia said sincerely. Next to Fin's breakfast gift, this was the one thing she really wanted.

"Anytime," Amanda said. "Noah really wanted to come with me to see you."

"I think the doctors would let him, since I'm not in ICU anymore," Olivia said. "But I just think he's too young. I don't want it to scare him."

She was truly torn. She desperately wanted to see her son, but she didn't think it was good for him to see her in a hospital bed hooked up to monitors and unable to get out of bed.

"You think you'll get outta here in a couple days?" Carisi asked.

"Yeah, hopefully tomorrow, but I'm not sure." She answered. "I guess we'll give it another day. If they don't let me out, maybe Lucy could bring him by."

Amanda and Carisi nodded their agreement. Not that it mattered. She wasn't really talking to them anymore. She was just thinking out loud.

"Good morning," Ed said with a knock on the open door of her room. He had a vase of beautiful orange and yellow gerbera daisies in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

"Morning," Amanda said.

"These are for you," Ed said as made his way to the table in the corner and sat the flowers down. Then he nodded to the coffee, "This is for me."

Olivia furrowed her brow at him. She'd wrangle a sip of it once her detectives left.

"Good morning, Cap," Carisi said with a smile and outstretched arm.

Ed shook the detective's hand, but his eyes were on Olivia. "Didn't realize you'd have other visitors this early," he said. It was only 7:30.

"Just stopping by on our way in," Amanda said. "We should probably be going."

"Thanks again for the clothes and things, Amanda," Olivia said.

"No problem," Amanda said ushering Carisi toward the door. "Let me know if you need anything else."

* * *

"Thanks for the flowers," Olivia said once the other detectives were gone. "They're my favorite."

"I know," Ed said. He wasn't being cocky, just stating a fact. "And no, you can't have my coffee."

"Just a tiny sip." She flashed her best pouty eyes at him.

He rolled his eyes but handed her his cup. He shook his head as she closed her eyes and took a long drink.

"That was a big sip," he teased as she handed back the cup with a grateful smile.

"You look like you got some sleep," she said.

"Yeah, you were right," he admitted. "A night in my own bed, a shower."

She almost laughed at his exaggerated expression of relief.

"You're certainly better to look at this morning," she said.

He smirked, knowing she meant his clean shaven face. When they were together, she'd never minded a little five o'clock shadow or even a day of scruff. Any more than that, and she'd usually start avoiding kisses and giving him grief until he shaved.

"Well, it's just a revolving door in here this morning," the nurse called as she bustled into the room. "Just here to take your vitals."

"Fin was here before the other two," Olivia explained to a confused Ed.

Ed stepped to the side allowing the nurse to check Olivia's blood pressure, heart rate, temperature. She looked better this morning, he thought. Less out of it, he hoped. He wanted to talk to her more about what had happened before the accident.

"Didn't like your breakfast?" The nurse asked nodding to the tray of untouched food off to the side.

"Nah," Olivia said. Then she looked at Ed and shook her head indicating that he was to stay out of it.

He bit his tongue and complied. He stood there in awkward silence as the nurse mumbled the vital sign readings to herself as she noted them in the computer.

"I'll be back in a few hours," the nurse said heading toward the door with the uneaten tray of food in tow. "Just press the button if you need anything."

As soon as she was gone, Ed was there. "You gotta eat, Liv."

"I did," she said with a satisfied smile. "Fin brought me Murray's"

He laughed. "And all I brought were flowers."

She laughed and then winced a little as the action jostled her banged up body.

The smile immediately fell from Ed's face and was replaced with a look of concern.

"I'm okay," she said holding up a hand and taking a couple slow breaths.

"You're in pain," he said.

"Yeah, I am," she said. "But I don't want any meds right now. I can manage for a while."

"Liv," he said and took her hand in his.

"Ed," she said with a sigh. "You know I don't like being so out of it."

"I know," he said wrapping both of his hands around her one.

Of course Olivia Benson would rather deal with some pain than be alone, with strangers and not in full control. Even if those strangers were doctors and nurses. It was a testament to her level of pain, that she'd stayed on the meds over night. Ed knew that meant she was probably miserable right now, but it'd be easier to talk to her while she was more coherent.

"Since you're… less out of it," he said.

She looked up at him. Her eyes reflected the same uncertainty she heard in his voice as he continued.

"Can we talk?"


	12. Chapter 12

" _Since you're… less out of it," he said._

 _She looked up at him. Her eyes reflected the same uncertainty she heard in his voice as he continued._

" _Can we talk?"_

* * *

Olivia took as a deep a breath as her injuries would allow. She wasn't sure where this was going to go.

"Ed."

"I'm worried about you," he said.

"I'm fine," she said.

"You were so out of it yesterday," he said ignoring her. "You can tell the doctors and nurses you're fine, but I know you."

"Okay, I'll admit, I am a little foggy," she said stopping him from saying anymore. "But it's just the meds. I'll be fine."

"Olivia," he said with a hint of warning in his tone.

Before he could continue, a tech came into the room with a wheelchair. Ed cursed under his breath and stepped out of the way.

"Ms. Benson," the tech said. "The doctor ordered an MRI."

"Do I have to?" She said with a hint of a whine.

The tech looked from her to Ed as though he was afraid to stand up to the woman lying in a hospital bed. Ed just smirked and stifled a full-blown laugh. He was always amused by the way people reacted to Olivia. Right now, he found it utterly hilarious that this tech, who was easily 6 feet and 200lbs, was apparently intimidated by her.

A little smile crept across Olivia's lips when she saw Ed's reaction. It was then that the tech realized he was being played.

"Okay, okay," he said good-naturedly. "Can you sit up?"

"I think so," she answered.

Ed struggled to not rush to her side when he saw her wince in pain as she maneuvered toward the edge of the bed, so the guy could help her into the wheelchair. He held back. One, because he knew Olivia would kill him if he acknowledged her current state of weakness any more than he already had. And two, because he had an underlying fear of being rebuffed.

"How long do you think she'll be?" Ed asked the other man.

"Hour or so?"

"You don't have to stay," Olivia said, her voice a little forced.

Ed looked at her and realized she was in more pain than she was letting on. He wasn't going to leave her like that for any length of time.

"I'm just going to get some coffee across the street," he said. "I'll be here when you get back."

"Okay," she said leaning to rest her head on her right hand as she cradled her casted left arm in her lap.

"I'll take good care of her," the tech said.

He immediately realized his mistake when both Ed and Olivia glared at him. Ed knew it technically wasn't his job to take care of her anymore, but it certainly was more his than the tech's. And Olivia, she was still defiantly insisting that she didn't need to be taken care of at all.

"Not that kind of crowd," he said. "Got it."

That earned a weak smile from Olivia, but Ed just ignored the guy.

"See you in a bit," Ed told Olivia as she was wheeled out the door.

* * *

Before he even got out of the hospital building, Ed got a call from Lucy. Noah was sick and needed to be picked up from daycare. She'd tried everyone, but Rollins was in court with Carisi. Rollins' nanny was out of town for the weekend, so Jesse was at daycare.

Lucy wasn't expecting to be needed for another couple hours and was all the way out in Poughkeepsie with her sister. When she hadn't been able to find anyone else, she called Ed. She knew that Olivia trusted him despite their situation, and Noah had been talking about him non-stop since their call last night.

Ed agreed without hesitation. He hopped in a cab and was at the school in less than twenty minutes.

He rushed through the school doors and into the office. "Ed Tucker, for Noah Benson."

The secretary greeted him warmly and after checking his ID, led him down the hall to the nurse's office. She briefly explained that they didn't think Noah was actually sick. He'd had a bad dream during nap time and kept asking for his mommy. When that didn't yield results, he started complaining that his tummy hurt.

The school was aware that Olivia was in the hospital and rightly deduced that Noah had just gone one too many days without her. After talking to Lucy, they all agreed it'd be best to send him home.

"Here we are," the secretary said as she ushered Ed through a door on the right near the end of the hall.

Ed followed her lead and ducked into the little waiting area. It was really more of an alcove with doorless arch at one end. He watched as the assistant knocked on the frame of the arch and leaned inside.

"Jackie," the secretary called. "Mr. Tucker is here for Noah."

"Tuck?" A sniffly little voice called out.

Ed poked his head around the corner and spotted a teary Noah sitting in a little red chair with his blue and red Cars backpack at his feet. As soon as Noah saw him, his face brightened just a bit and he jumped up.

"Mr. Tucker," the nurse said by way of greeting.

Ed nodded to the nurse, but sidestepped her and stooped down to Noah's level. Noah dragged his backpack behind him with one hand and reached for Ed with the other. Ed scooped up the boy.

"You okay, bud?" He asked.

"I want Mommy," Noah said burying his face in the crook of Ed's neck.

"I know you do," Ed said patting the kids back in what he hoped was a soothing manner. He didn't really know what to say. He couldn't make a promise he was unable to keep, but he couldn't bear to see Noah so upset.

"Can you sign here," the nurse asked pointing to a release form on her desk.

Ed awkwardly leaned down and scribbled his signature. The nurse patted Noah's back and told him to feel better.

Noah clung to Ed the whole way home in the cab. When the cab stopped in front of Olivia's apartment building, and Noah realized they were going home and not to see Liv, he lost it.

In the months Ed and Olivia dated, he'd seen his share of toddler tantrums, but he'd never seen Noah completely meltdown like this. He was at a loss.

He managed to get Noah inside and somewhat calmed down about half an hour before Lucy arrived. Ice cream with sprinkles ultimately did the trick. And Ed wasn't the least bit ashamed that he'd resorted to blatant bribery.

Noah was still clinging to him even after Lucy got there, so Ed lingered a bit. He finally got Noah to sit on the couch and watch some cartoon on TV, so he could talk to Lucy.

He'd asked Lucy to call the hospital and leave word with Liv. Unfortunately, she wasn't back from the MRI, so Lucy had to settle for leaving a message at the nurses' station.

"I didn't mention Noah, because I didn't want to upset her without being able to give her the details," Lucy explained. "I just left a message that you'd be back soon."

"Good idea," Ed said looking at his watch. "I should really get back, though."

As if the kid had super sonic hearing, Noah immediately jumped up from his spot on the floor. He ran over to Ed and climbed in his lap. Ed wasn't sure if it was just that they hadn't been around each other in a while or if it was because Noah associated him with seeing Liv, but he was surprised that Noah was so attached him even after all these months.

"My Tuck," Noah said and gripped Ed's shirt tightly. "You no go."

"I've gotta go for a little while," Ed said, not mentioning where he was going for fear of setting off another fit. Before he could promise to be back soon, Noah was wailing.

Ed looked over Noah's head at Lucy. She just shrugged and shook her head. Apparently they'd hit the wall of Noah's tolerance.

"Noah," Ed said calmly. "I know you miss your mommy."

The boy nodded his head against Ed's shoulder. He showed no signs of letting go without a fight.

"How about I make you a deal?" Ed said pulling gently to get Noah to let go of his neck and look at him.

"What a deal?" Noah asked skeptically.

"Right now, I need to go," Ed said, and Noah's bottom lip started to quiver.

"But," Ed said quickly. "What if I promise that me and Mommy will call you again tonight before bedtime?"

"That not a good deal." Noah clearly didn't like the terms.

"It's the best I got, bud," Ed said. He didn't know what else to do, but to be honest.

Noah didn't say anything for a minute. He studied Ed's face. Eventually, he seemed to realize it was as good an offer as he was going to get. "You pom-iss?" He said with a bit of a challenge.

"I promise," Ed said. "And you know that I will always keep my promise, right?" His voice almost cracked because he knew there was one promise to Olivia that he hand't kept.

Noah nodded and reluctantly let Ed pass him off to Lucy. Ed felt bad for the young woman, knowing she was likely in for a long night with one unhappy boy.

"Even if I have to wake her, we'll call before bedtime," Ed assured Lucy as he kissed the top of Noah's head, then reached for his jacket. "Call or text if you need anything."

"Thanks," Lucy said and closed the door behind him.

* * *

At the hospital, Olivia was lying back in her hospital bed taking a few ragged breaths to try and get the pain under control while a nurse gave her a couple pills and a little cup of water.

"Sorry, dear," the white-haired nurse said. "If I'd known they were coming to get you so early, I'd have made sure you got these before the MRI."

Olivia grunted her thanks as she swallowed the pain medication. While she was thankful to not have the IV anymore, they'd removed it this morning, she missed the immediate effect of the medication. These pills would take at least half an hour to get into her system.

She felt like she could barely breathe the pain was so severe. She'd underestimated how hard it would be to get in and out of the wheelchair and onto the MRI table.

When she'd gotten back to the room, the first thing she did was ask the tech to call the nurse. Ed was nowhere to be found, and while she wouldn't admit it, she was disappointed. He'd said he'd be there.

The nurse flitted about her, getting her situated in the bed and making sure she had everything she needed. "You call me if you need anything, but those should kick in soon."

"Thanks," Olivia said and closed her eyes. All she could do was focus on her breathing and pray for the nurse to be right. She tried not to wonder why Ed wasn't there as she drifted off to sleep.

Downstairs, Ed punched the button for the elevator a third time. He knew it wouldn't make a difference, but it made him feel better.

The doors finally opened, and he impatiently waited as half a dozen people piled out. He looked as his watch then he pressed the button for the 4th floor. He'd been gone over two hours.

"Shit," he said to himself as the elevator made its ascent. He'd told her he'd be there, and he wasn't. Sure, it was for a good reason, but she didn't know that, now. He'd tried to call on his way back in the taxi, but by then she was already asleep. He hated knowing that she'd fallen asleep thinking he'd just left without word.

A few minutes later, he quietly made his way over to the chair in the corner of her room. He'd seen the nurse in the hallway, and she explained that Olivia was exhausted and in pain after the MRI.

He wouldn't disturb her now. They had a few hours before Noah's bedtime, so it could wait a little while, until she'd gotten some rest and the meds reached their full effect.

* * *

Olivia knew she was dreaming, but she couldn't seem to wake herself up. She was stuck in that place between the dream and consciousness. She couldn't remember what she was dreaming, but the sensations and emotions were percolating in her semi-aware mind.

It was the emotions that were the most jumbled. She felt reluctance, fear, hope, hurt, love. Before she could fully wrangle herself awake, she faded back into another world.

Olivia felt the tears stinging her eyes. She heard her own voice saying that she's "scared it won't last." She heard Ed saying that wasn't true, not if he could help it.

Suddenly, she was in another place. She heard herself asking Ed to "just be here," and remembered the slight tinge of fear that she needed him so badly. She remembered that fear being squashed as he promised that he "wasn't going anywhere."

Then, she was in yet another time and place. "You're just looking out for me," she said. "Always," was his reply.

That was the one that broke her. She thought that always meant, well always. But it hadn't.

She then heard Ed's voice saying, "you should try the bourbon." She remembered when those words made her smile. She also remembered when they sent her fleeing from a bar.

Without warning, Olivia was back to that night of Dodds' retirement party. She felt the wind whipping at her tear stained face. She heard the screeching tires and the sound of metal on metal. Then she felt the impact.

* * *

Ed was startled from his unintentional nap by a garbled shout. He immediately popped up from his chair and rushed to Olivia's side.

"No, no," she said. "Not yet."

"Liv," he said softly.

"I didn't mean it," she said not reacting to Ed's voice.

"Olivia," he said as he placed his hand over hers.

"Ed," she said, still not awake. "I didn't mean it."

"Olivia," he said more forcefully this time, keeping one hand on hers and running the other over the uninjured side of her face. "I'm here, wake up."

Her eyes flew open, and Ed was startled by the emotion he saw swirling in them.

"It's okay," he said, still stroking her cheek. "It was just a bad dream."

She eyed him carefully, then she slowly nodded.

"I'm so sorry I was late," he said.

She was confused by what he meant about being late, but he was here now. That's all that mattered.

* * *

a/n: okay, next up... I'm thinking Ed and Olivia are finally going to get a chance to talk. It's about time, I know. Then, we gotta get Liv home to Noah.


	13. Chapter 13

a/n: okay, okay, I know I've been a bad girl dragging this out so long. But here we have it. Finally, Ed and Olivia get a chance to talk…

* * *

Olivia relaxed as she became more fully awake. She still felt the effects of the pain relievers, but she was coming out of her dream.

"You okay?" Ed said.

"Yeah," she answered closing her eyes.

"Do you remember what you were dreaming?" He asked. He didn't want to push her, but he desperately wanted to know what she'd meant when she kept repeating that she "didn't mean it." _What_ didn't she mean?

"It's kind of vague," she answered. "I've been having a lot of weird dreams the past couple days."

He didn't say anything, just studied her face and waited for her to continue.

"Mostly about you," she said with a sad smile.

He wasn't sure how to take that. "Were these _good_ dreams?" His tone was almost suggestive.

She raised an eyebrow, but not in a flirtatious way. More of an I don't really want to tell you, but no they weren't so good, kinda way.

"I see," he said. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know where to begin," she said with a sign. "Or even how to explain it."

Ed briefly left her side to grab the chair in the corner and scoot it closer to the bed. As soon as he sat down, he again reached out his hand and was relieved that she didn't hesitate to take it.

"While I was unconscious," she said. "It felt like it was a lot longer than just a couple days."

He nodded and looked down at their hands. That was probably normal. Dreams sometimes seemed much longer than just one night of sleep. When he realized that she wasn't continuing, he returned his gaze to her face. She seemed uncertain, or even embarrassed.

"Liv," he said. "Whatever it is, just tell me."

"I felt like I lived the last couple years of my life all over again," she said. "Only, they were without you."

He swallowed hard, completely unable to mask the pain that thought caused him. She squeezed his hand drawing his attention back to her.

"It wasn't exactly, without you," she said. "You were there. We just weren't together. At least not really."

"It was just a dream," he said. His voice was so gruff, and he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, her or himself.

"It felt real," she said. "Even after I woke up here. I was having a hard time figuring out what was going on. In a way, even the last couple of days felt like part of the dream."

"That's why you thought I'd moved?" He said. Some of her earlier confusion was starting to make sense. But she seemed pretty clear headed now. He hoped she was.

"Uh huh," she confirmed.

"So what part of it were you dreaming just now?" He asked. He still needed to know what it was she didn't mean.

"When I left Dodds' party that night," she said as her eyes started to water at the memory. "I was so mad at myself. At you."

Her voice broke, and she couldn't find the will to continue.

"Sometimes it seems less painful to have never loved at all," he offered with sorrow in his eyes. He wasn't quite sure he was understanding exactly what she'd been dreaming, but it obviously had a significant impact on her.

"I was wrong though," she said. "You were worth it. We were worth it."

"So you don't regret me?" he asked.

"Never," she said.

"I'd do it all over again, too," Ed said.

"You wouldn't change anything?" Olivia said. "Even knowing where we've ended up?"

Ed's phone beeped, signaling a text. He didn't want to break the moment, but he assumed it was probably Lucy. He knew Olivia would want that interruption, so he gave her a look, letting her know he had to check it.

Sure enough. _How's Liv? Can you call? Soon._

 _Two minutes,_ was his reply.

"We need to FaceTime with Noah before bedtime," he said.

"What's wrong?" She asked, knowing there was more behind whatever text he'd just gotten than a simple reminder to call and say goodnight.

"He's fine, but the reason I wasn't here when you got back from the MRI is because I had to go pick Noah up at school." He didn't want to let that sit out there too long because he could already see her agitation at the news.

"He's fine," Ed repeated. "He's just having a tough time being away from you for so long."

Ed made quick work of explaining what had happened. He felt bad because he knew it hurt her to know that her prolonged absence was so upsetting to her son. But she had to know, and she would have been beyond livid if they'd tried to keep it from her.

He pulled out his phone to dial, but she stopped him.

"Do you think I should have Lucy bring him up here tomorrow?"

"Hopefully the MRI results will be good, and you can get out of here tomorrow," he suggested.

"I hope so, too," she said. "But if not?"

"I think he can handle it," Ed said honestly. "We might have to drag him out when it's time to go, but I think he'd be okay."

She nodded both her agreement and her readiness to make the call.

* * *

The call with Noah was going as smoothly as it could have given the circumstances. He was thrilled to see and talk to his mommy even if it was just over the phone. He was decidedly less than thrilled when they had to end the call.

Olivia promised that she would see him tomorrow. Either he could come to the hospital or she would be coming home.

"You pom-iss," Noah said.

"I promise, sweet boy," Olivia said.

"Mommy keep her pom-iss," Noah said. "Just like my Tuck?"

Olivia glanced at Ed wondering what that was about.

"Yes, she does," Ed chimed in.

That seemed to satisfy Noah enough to let them hang up without anymore tears. Olivia thanked Lucy and apologized for the chaos. Lucy brushed it off like it was nothing, and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. She'd really hit the jackpot with her nanny.

"So what was that all about?" Olivia asked after they ended the call, and Ed returned to his spot in the chair beside her bed.

"I promised him we'd call him before bed tonight," he said. He shifted in his seat and looked down implying that there was more to it than just that.

"Ed?" She pressed.

"Before Lucy texted," he said with a sigh. "You asked if I would have done anything differently."

His seemingly sudden change in topic took her breath away. It also scared her.

"I would have done one thing differently," he continued. He also reached for her hand once again and scooted his chair as close as he could, so he could look her in the eye.

She didn't know what to expect. Was he going to tell her he did regret her? That they should have ended it sooner? That he was sorry they broke it off? She didn't dare hope for the last one, not after she'd basically forced him out of her life.

"I would have kept my most important promise to _you_ ," he said softly drawing her attention back to his words instead of her thoughts. His voice was full of regret, his eyes with sadness.

"What…uh…," she began but her mouth was suddenly so dry. "What promise is that?"

"Always," he said simply.

If her mouth was a desert, her eyes were a damn waterfall. She couldn't stop the tears that now flowed freely.

He leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

"I'm sorry, Liv," he said. "I'm sorry I broke that promise, and I'm sorry that I'm so late in trying to fix it."

She bit her bottom lip not sure what to say. He wanted to fix it?

A knock at the door, and the chipper night nurse interrupted the moment. Ed could have drop kicked the woman out the door. Instead, he decided to go for a different approach.

"Could you give us a few minutes?" Olivia said before Ed could get the words out.

"Sure, honey," the woman said looking at the two of them and just then realizing that she'd interrupted something.

The somewhat estranged couple shared a tearful smile as the nurse excused herself.

"What are you saying?" Olivia asked as soon as they were alone again.

"I'm saying," he said with a hint of a smile. "That I should have fought harder for us. That if you'll give me another chance…"

His voice broke and Olivia felt his words drive to the deepest part of her heart. That's what she wanted more than anything. She didn't know if she'd have said that before the accident, and that worried her. But right now, in this moment, it didn't matter.

As if her could read her mind, Ed backed off.

"I'm not expecting…," he began again, then broke off in frustration at his inability to say what he meant. "I don't want to pressure you while you're in here."

He motioned to the hospital room. She realized that he did understand. She truly regretted the way things had ended. That she hadn't fought more. That he hadn't. But she was in no state of mind to do anything about that at the moment.

"But we can keep talking," she said, and it wasn't clear if it was a statement or a question.

"I hope so," he said.

* * *

It had taken almost as much persuading to get Ed to leave for the night as it had to get Noah off the phone earlier. But Olivia needed some time alone to think about what he'd said. It sounded like he wanted to get back together. She'd be lying if she said a part of her didn't want that, too.

She was also scared that this was just some knee jerk reaction to bump on the head. And what about Ed? Was he reacting this way because she was hurt?

It made her head ache to think about. It made her heart ache. To make it worse, her heart was already struggling to deal with the knowledge that her son was having a difficult time because she couldn't be with him. It was too much.

For once in her life, she was grateful that she was about to be legally drugged into unconsciousness. She just hoped it was a dream-free night.

Luckily, her hopes were realized, and she got a decent night's sleep. If she dreamed, she didn't remember. At all.

When Ed arrived that morning, he brought her a bagel and let her steal a few sips of his coffee. She smiled when she realized he'd added some cream, which he hated, but knew she preferred.

It was early, so the doctor hadn't made his morning rounds yet. Olivia was restless and wanted out of the hospital. Ed did his best to distract her and was failing miserably.

Now that she was feeling more like herself, she was driving her squad crazy. She'd sent at least half a dozen text in the last half hour asking for status reports and updates. Her phone finally dinged a response.

Seeing the frustrated look on her face, Ed asked about the text she'd just received. She rolled her eyes and handed him the phone.

He saw a ton of outgoing messages. The only response she'd gotten was from Fin, and it said, _Everything is under control. Tell Tucker thanks for bringing you your new phone._ It was complete with a smirking emoji.

Ed laughed out loud causing Olivia to snatch the phone from his hands and give him a dirty look. He just shrugged.

"They just want you to get better, and not worry," he said. "You have a good squad."

"I know, I know," she said with more than a hint of frustration in her voice.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before she just couldn't take it.

"Ugh," she groaned. "When is the doctor going to be here?"

Ed just patted her hand and kept his mouth shut. He knew she didn't handle confinement well, and placating her would only make it worse.

He suggested turning on the TV. She tilted her head, so he assumed that meant yes. He flipped it to the local morning show hoping it would provide a distraction.

Luckily they didn't have to wait long. Before the second commercial break, the doctor came in. He deflected Olivia's immediate questions of release while he assessed her current state. Then he filled them in on the MRI results. There was no cause for concern.

"Does that mean I can get out of here today?" Olivia asked hopefully.

"That depends," the doctor said giving her a look that told her she probably wouldn't like his conditions.

"You have a young son, correct?" He asked.

"Yes, Noah," she said, not understanding why he asked. "He's four."

The doctor explained that even without a young child to care for, she was going to need help for at least a few days, maybe a week. He didn't want to release her unless he was sure she had help 24/7.

Olivia wanted to protest, but stopped short. While her pain had begun to significantly diminish, it had still been less than 24 hours since she'd been nearly incapable of moving from a wheelchair to a bed and back. She was lucky they were even considering sending her home. And he was right. If it was just her, she'd manage. But if anything happened, there's no way she'd be able to manage herself and Noah.

"I'll be back after lunch," the doctor said. "We'll see how you're doing, and see if we can make arrangements to get you out of here, as you so eloquently put it."

She smiled at his joke and thanked him. The nurse stayed and checked her vitals for what felt like thousandth time. As soon as the nurse left the room, Ed was by her side.

"Not going to happen," she said anticipating his offer.

"Olivia," he said. "Let me help you."

"It's not right," she said.

"Name one person better able to do this," he challenged. "I'll wait."

She glared at him.

"It's not that simple," she said. "With everything that's happened…"

"So it's not ideal," he said. "But in a way it is."

She was silent.

"I'm retired," he reminded her. "I literally have nothing better to do."

"Won't it be, I don't know, awkward?" She asked sincerely. It had been mere hours ago that they'd decided to start talking again. Now he was suggesting staying with her and taking care of her for several days, maybe longer.

"I know it's probably too much, too soon," he admitted. "And if you have another suggestion, I'll still support you and help out with Noah."

She eyed him carefully. Her heart was begging her to say okay. Her mind was screaming that it _was_ too much, too soon.

Ed watched the war waging behind her eyes. He also saw the exact second that her heart won out.

He returned her sheepish smile with a broad one of his own, and she prayed they weren't making a huge mistake.

"It's gonna be okay, Liv. It's gonna be just fine."

* * *

a/n: well, this should be interesting. How is Liv going to deal with Ed taking care of her and Noah when she still doesn't know if they're doing the right thing? How is he?


	14. Chapter 14

a/n: So sorry for the long delay. The muse simply would not cooperate. But I'm back! A little reminder of where we left off before jumping ahead a few hours.

* * *

" _Olivia,_ _"_ _Ed said._ _"_ _Let me help you._ _"_

" _It's not right," she said._

" _Name one person better able to do this," he challenged. "I'll wait."_

 _She glared at him._

" _It's not that simple," she said. "With everything that's happened…"_

" _So it's not ideal," he said. "But in a way it is."_

 _She was silent._

" _I'm retired," he reminded her. "I literally have nothing better to do."_

" _Won't it be, I don't know, awkward?" She asked sincerely. It had been mere hours ago that they'd decided to start talking again. Now he was suggesting staying with her and taking care of her for several days, maybe longer._

" _I know it's probably too much, too soon," he admitted. "And if you have another suggestion, I'll still support you and help out with Noah."_

 _She eyed him carefully. Her heart was begging her to say okay. Her mind was screaming that it_ was _too much, too soon._

 _Ed watched the war waging behind her eyes. He also saw the exact second that her heart won out._

 _He returned her sheepish smile with a broad grin of his own._

" _It's gonna be okay, Liv. It's gonna be just fine."_

* * *

Ed had Liv's overnight bag slung over one shoulder and his other arm hooked under hers offering support as they rode the elevator to her floor. He looked over at her.

She had her eyes closed and was half leaning on him half leaning back against the elevator wall. Her hair fell away from her face in loose waves, and despite the lingering scrapes and bruises on her face, he couldn't tear his eyes away.

"What?" She asked not bothering to open her eyes.

"Nothin," he said not averting his gaze.

"You're staring," she said finally opening her eyes. "Do I look that bad?"

"You're beautiful," he said.

She took a breath and closed her eyes. He assumed that meant he'd said the wrong thing. He was about to backpedal when she used his arm for leverage to pull herself from the wall and look at him directly.

"Do you think it's going to upset Noah," she said. "Seeing me like this?"

Oh, of course she wasn't thinking about him. She was worried about Noah. He mentally kicked himself for being so obtuse.

"He's sorta already seen you when we FaceTimed," he offered.

She didn't say anything, but he could tell she wasn't buying it.

"Look," he said softly. "I know it's not exactly the same, but he knows you're hurt."

The elevator reached its destination, and he helped her down the hallway toward her apartment.

"Besides," Ed said. "That boy is gonna be so happy to see you. He probably won't even notice a few little scratches."

She sighed. And they both hoped he was right.

As soon as Ed put her key in the door, they heard commotion on the other side. While they couldn't quite make out the words, it was clear that Noah knew his mommy was home.

When they opened the door, Noah was practically climbing out of his skin while trying to stay still next to Lucy who was crouched by his side. The little guy was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet just itching to get away. He'd obviously been warned that his mom was hurt and needed to be treated gently. Ed actually wondered what Lucy had said to him because he was really holding back.

"Noah," Olivia cooed. "My sweet boy."

Ed was amazed at a mother's ability to suddenly mask the pain he'd heard in her voice just moments before in the hallway. He shifted behind her and kept a steadying arm around her waist as she let go of him and reached out for Noah.

Noah wiggled out of Lucy's hold and took two little hop skips toward Olivia. Then he abruptly stopped and slowly reached out his hand to take hers. Lucy chuckled behind them.

"I told him he had to be very careful," the nanny said with a smile, pleased that her charge had listened so well. "Right, No?"

"I be gentle," Noah said. Then he dropped his voice to a whisper. "Berry gentle."

"Why don't we get you inside," Ed said not wanting to keep her on her feet for too long. "Noah, can you hold Mommy's hand 'til we get to the sofa?"

"Yes," he said solemnly. "I help you get better, Mommy."

"Just seeing you makes me feel so much better already," she said giving his little hand a squeeze. It killed her to not be able to just scoop him up into a hug, but at this point, just getting to the couch was a chore.

Ed helped Olivia get settled and watched Noah carefully climb up next to her. Olivia winced a little as she pulled her son onto her lap for a snuggly hug, but she wouldn't be denied and neither would her son.

Ed nodded to Lucy, and they went into the kitchen giving the other pair some much needed mommy and son time. Lucy filled him in on Noah's schedule for the rest of the week, and to Ed's relief, she didn't act at all weird about his sudden reappearance.

Technically, Noah had school tomorrow, but Olivia had already mentioned to Ed that she wanted to let Noah stay home at least one day with her. He wasn't sure it was the best idea, but as he looked over at them cuddled up on the couch, he decided it would probably do them both good. And it wouldn't hurt to have a toddler around to keep things from getting too intense.

* * *

It was well after nine by the time Noah was finally tucked into bed. Lucy had fed him dinner and given him a bath before they got home, but he was so wound up to have Olivia back. She couldn't resist indulging him just a bit.

Once Ed saw Olivia starting to struggle, he drew her attention to the time. It took some coaxing but he finally convinced them that it was bed time.

He also knew Olivia was due another dose of her pain medication and was probably beyond ready for bed herself. Still, it amazed him how just being around her son perked her up, even in her battered state.

Noah wanted just mommy for story time, so Ed helped them get situated in the big cushy rocking chair and left them alone for a bit. There was a lingering awkwardness between the two adults, but for the time being it was ignored.

Unfortunately, as soon as she finished reading the last story, Olivia realized she couldn't get herself out of the overstuffed chair. Noah managed to climb out of her lap and over the side of the chair and went to get Ed.

Ed resisted the urge to tell her 'told you so', and just helped her up. Then he picked Noah up and let her give him good night kisses before he got the boy tucked into bed.

Olivia watched with a bittersweet gratitude that Noah seemed happy to have Tucker there. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she was kind of relieved that he'd convinced her to let him stay for the next few days. She didn't know why that thought rattled her. But she shook herself out of it and turned to head back to the living room.

Ed immediately went to offer assistance, but she shooed him off. He wanted to feel hurt, but he knew that part of that was just Liv being Liv. So he silently followed her out of the room and into the kitchen. She went to get a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Ed was right behind her.

"Let me," he said before placing his hand on her hip and reaching around her to grab a bottle.

It wasn't necessarily an intimate gesture as much as it was the casual invasion of her space that caused her sharp intake of breath. Realizing he'd overstepped, Ed dropped his hand from her hip, loosened the cap and handed her the water bottle.

"Thanks," she said quickly and took a small sip.

Noah had served as quite the buffer all evening. Now that it was just the two of them, the nagging uncertainty was back.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Definitely ready to take some pills and call it a night," she said without humor.

"Well," he said stepping toward her to offer some assistance. "Let's get you in bed."

"I can walk unaided," she said with a hint of irritation.

He stepped back and held up his hands in surrender. He didn't want to upset her on her first night home.

"Okay," he said. "I put your prescription on the nightstand, you've got some water. What else can I do for you?"

"I think that's it," she said. "Thank you."

She'd softened a little. They both knew she was just grumpy from the pain and fatigue. As great as it was to be home with Noah, it had worn her out. But there was still a strain in their conversation.

"Do you need anything?" She asked as if she just realized he was staying for the night.

"Nah, I'll grab a blanket from the hall closet," he said.

"I'm sorry you have to sleep on the couch," she said.

"I'll be fine," he said shrugging off her apology and what it might mean. There were so many ways to take that.

"Okay, uh," she said without making full eye contact. "Goodnight."

"G'night," he responded.

He did as he said and found an extra pillow and blanket and headed back to the living room. It wasn't even 10 o'clock, so he decided to watch TV for a while before making up the couch.

Before he sat down, he decided to see if Liv had any beer in the fridge. He wanted something to take the edge off of his growing frustration that he was back in Olivia Benson's apartment, but was also stuck on the couch.

He smiled when he opened her refrigerator and found a six pack of Harp in the back with only one bottle missing. Ed preferred bourbon, but if he did drink beer, he always insisted on a good Irish ale. Olivia, being more of a wine person, didn't really care. It gave him a small twinge of hope that this little remnant of him was still in her kitchen.

He was still smiling as he turned to head back to the living room, but he almost dropped his beer when he saw Liv padding over toward him.

"Stealing my beer already?" She chided. It was clear that her heart wasn't really in the tease, but she was trying. Toward what end, even she didn't know.

He just smirked at her and took a sip. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just," she began obviously frustrated. "These stupid stitches."

He looked at her concerned that she'd pulled something or hurt herself. But she was acting more annoyed than hurt. Ed shrugged his shoulders.

Olivia sighed heavily. "I can't reach my toothbrush."

Ed bit his lip to keep from laughing. It wasn't funny because she was in real pain, but her attitude about needing help with such a mundane task was so over the top. He couldn't help being a bit amused, and it showed in his eyes.

"Just shut up and help me," she said, but the edge was gone from her voice.

He shuffled along behind her as they made their way back through her bedroom to the bathroom. She'd shed the hoodie she wore home from the hospital, so now she was just in a baggy grey t-shirt and sweat pants.

Once they got to the bathroom, he easily retrieved the toothbrush and handed it to her. Then he looked around the room as she started brushing. He tried to remember her night and morning routines, but he realized that he'd never really paid attention to those things, or maybe she just wasn't that fussy.

"Anything else you need me to put in closer reach?" he asked.

"Probably, but I can't think of it right now," she said spitting in the sink.

"Okay, let's get you tucked in," he said once she finished.

She made sure he saw the roll of her eyes as she passed him. However, she didn't protest when he pulled back the covers and took her arm to help her lower herself to the bed.

Everything hurt. She'd taken the pain meds the second she got to her room, but they were still a good 30 minutes or more from taking full effect. She winced as she tried to scoot back and pull her legs up.

Ed watched and wasn't sure if she wanted his help or not. She closed her eyes at his gaze.

"Can you just," she started, but before she could finish her sentence he was there.

He slid his arm under her calves and pulled her feet up onto the bed. Then he helped her lower herself onto her back.

"You look uncomfortable," he said looking her over. "What's off?"

"Another pillow maybe," she said.

After a few minutes of shifting and fluffing, she was finally somewhat comfortable. Ed reached for the covers and started to pull them up.

"Wait," she said stopping him. "One more thing?"

"Anything," he said noticing she looked almost shy.

"My socks," she said. "I can't sleep in socks, but I don't think I can manage."

"If I'd known I was signing up to be a nursemaid," he said as he flipped the covers off of her feet.

She sighed. She knew he was joking, but she still felt bad. Here he was, the man she'd unceremoniously kicked out of her life, literally waiting on her hand and foot without complaint.

"Olivia," he said as he reached up a slowly pulled the sock from her right foot. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

She shot him a look.

He didn't flinch. He just reached for her other foot.

"In a few days, you'll be on the mend and putting on your own socks." He said trying to remind her that this, too, shall pass.

She almost smiled. Almost.

"Thank you," she said.

He smoothed the covers back over her and patted her legs. "You want me to leave the door open in case you need something?"

"I'll just text you," she said.

"Okay, Night" he said and headed toward the door. "I'll keep my phone right beside me.

* * *

Olivia groaned as she reached for her phone. The house was quiet suggesting it was early, but the sun was up, so she might as well be, too. She was surprised she slept as well as she did and even more so when she saw that it was almost 8am. She'd woken around 2am to take another round of pills, but otherwise she'd been out.

She listened once again for any sign of movement beyond her door. Noah should definitely be up by now, but it seemed quiet.

She knew she couldn't stomach another pill without some breakfast, so she had to get up. Hopefully getting out of bed would be easier than getting into it.

She sort of had to roll herself out, but she managed to get up all by herself. It was slow going, but within the next ten or so minutes she got herself to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. She shivered a bit as she headed for her door and decided to grab the hoodie she'd worn the day before.

It was an old stretched out mess that she'd had for as long as she could remember. It was probably one of the few things she had that would fit over the cast on her arm. She worked the sleeve over her cast. Then she realized her mistake. There was no way she could reach behind her to get her arm in the other sleeve.

"Dammit." She grabbed for the door and listened for signs of life.

She finally heard some hushed voices as she slowly made her way to the kitchen. She headed that direction dragging along the cursed sweatshirt half on half off.

Her mood lightened a fraction when she got to the kitchen and saw Noah covered in what appeared to be flour and sitting on the counter while Ed flipped pancakes in a pan on the stove.

"Are you making breakfast or a Noah pancake?" She said as she went over and kissed the one spot on Noah's face that didn't have pancake mix on it.

"I not a pancake, Mommy," he said. "Tuck let me help."

"I see that," she said with a smile. Ed's t-shirt didn't look much better than Noah. "Got a little on ya."

He flashed a sheepish grin. "You up for some breakfast?"

"I could eat," she answered.

He shooed her from the kitchen, but not before asking if she needed anything or any help. Although he looked away from her as he said it because he assumed she'd just wave him off.

"Actually," she said causing hm to turn back to her. She nodded to the sweatshirt dangling from her arm.

He immediately put down the spatula and went to her. He could help but take in the scent of her hair as he straightened the hoodie and helped her pull her hair from under it. Since she'd last washed her hair at the hospital the day before, it wasn't her normal shampoo, and it worried him how disappointed he felt at that little loss.

"Uh, thanks," she said, uncomfortable with his lingering attention. "You made coffee?"

"Yeah, it's fresh," he said. "But go easy, probably not the best thing for you right now."

"I know, I know," she grumbled.

"I'm sure one cup won't hurt," he said, flipping another pancake.

Relieved that he wasn't going to trying to dissuade her, Olivia turned toward her goal of caffeine. She realized she wasn't going to be able to get a cup from the cabinet by herself. She groaned to herself at the thought of having to ask him.

"I put a mug out for you," he said. Even though his back was turned, she knew he was smiling at his own anticipation of her needs this morning.

She thanked him and just then noticed the mug sitting off to side. The creamer was already out and next to it.

"Heard ya get up," he explained. "Figured that'd be high on your list."

She grunted another thank you as she poured a cup. Then she headed to the living room.

"I go with Mommy?" she heard her son ask Ed.

"Yeah, if ya want," came Ed's reply. "Let's just get you cleaned up first."

A few minutes later, the pitter patter of Noah's little steps filled the room as he ran in to find where Liv had gone. He found her sitting on the sofa sipping her coffee and climbed up beside her.

"You still not feel good?" He asked unsure if he still needed to be super careful around her.

"I still have some booboos," she said honestly. "But it makes me feel so much better to be home with you."

Noah climbed to his feet and leaned over her. He put his hand on her unbruised cheek.

"I make it better," he said and very carefully kissed the bruise on her other cheek.

"You always make everything better," she said and kissed his forehead.

* * *

By lunch time, Olivia was wondering if Ed had been right about not keeping Noah home from school. She adored her son with her whole heart, but it had been an exhausting morning. He wanted to be with her every second, and all she wanted to do was take a pill and a nap.

Ed had been very gracious. And while it was a tiring morning, they were both thankful for once again having Noah as a buffer. However, Ed knew that Liv needed a break, so when Noah had nap time, he insisted that she did as well. He also convinced her to let Amanda come take Noah for a few hours in the afternoon.

Olivia was surprisingly reluctant at first, but finally agreed that it'd be best for all if Noah got out of the house and used up some energy. Ed feared that her reluctance was less because she didn't want Noah to go and more because that would leave the two of them alone.

He got Olivia comfortable on the couch, and made sure she had water, a blanket, her medication, the tv remote and her phone. Then he dropped into the chair on the other side of the room.

Every time she moved or made a noise, he perked up and asked if she needed something. It was driving her crazy. When she realized she had to go to the bathroom she almost screamed. She took a deep breath and started scooting toward the edge of the couch. As soon as she moved, he was standing up.

"What is it? What do you need?" He asked.

"I'm fine," she hissed. "I just have to pee, if that's okay with you."

"Okay," he said ignoring her tone. Instead he just reached under her good arm to offer support as she stood. As soon as she was on her feet she shook him off and headed to the back of the apartment.

While she was in the back, she admonished herself for being so bitchy. He was just trying to help. She didn't know why that pissed her off so much. Maybe it was because he shouldn't want anything to do with her at this point.

It unnerved her that he was being so casual about the whole thing. He seemed completely nonchalant about the fact that, despite their relationship status, or non-status, he was just there, helping her as though it was the most natural thing. And he was so damn patient. It made her feel things she shouldn't.

Regardless, she didn't know what she'd do without him at the moment. There's no way she could be completely on her own with Noah until she was a little more mobile.

Olivia sighed. She vowed to try and be more appreciative and less irritable.

"You okay?" Ed's voice called through the closed bathroom door.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes. "Be out in a minute."

When she came out of the bathroom, he was sitting on the edge of her bed waiting to help her back to the living room. She tried not to be snotty, but honestly, she could walk the twenty or so steps on her own.

"I know you don't need my help all the time," he said. "But I also know that you won't always ask when you do."

She didn't respond. When they got back to the living room, he helped her get comfortable on the couch.

"Thank you," she said, surprising them both. "And Ed, I know you're just trying to help."

"But?" He said stooping down so they were at eye level.

"No buts," she said.

Ed just raised his eyebrows and tilted his head. She knew he wasn't buying it. Not knowing what else to say, she decided to put it out there. The elephant in the room.

"Don't you find this… I don't know, awkward?" She asked.

He studied her for a minute. He did find it uncomfortable, but he didn't think admitting that was the way to go.

"Liv, I'm always gonna want to be there for you," he said softly. "That didn't change just because you decided you didn't want me to be."

His words stung, and she blinked quickly to keep tears from forming.

"I didn't mean that," he said. He meant the words, but he hadn't meant them to come out that way.

"Sure you did," she said.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Neither knew what to say next. Ed couldn't take the stand off anymore.

He went to grab a bottle of water from the kitchen and scrubbed a hand over his face. Maybe she wasn't ready to try again. Maybe it had just been the trauma and the meds talking that night at the hospital. He sighed and went back to the living room. He didn't say anything as he sat down and looked to see what she was watching on TV.

"I'm glad you're here," Olivia said so quietly she wasn't sure he'd even heard her.

Ed looked up to find her watching him. That was all he needed at the moment, so he just nodded.

* * *

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly. Getting Noah out of the house was the right move. He was much less rambunctious through dinner and bath time, and he was ready for bed at his normal time. Ed didn't even have to ask if Olivia was sending her son to school the next day. He could see the exhaustion on her face.

"I don't remember the last time I went to bed at the same time as my four year old," she said. He carried her water bottle as he helped her toward her bedroom.

He laughed, glad to see her sense of humor making an appearance. He was also happy that things had eased up a bit between them. She hadn't snapped at him all evening.

Other than the hoodie she was now shrugging off, Olivia was in the same clothes she'd slept in the night before. Tomorrow after Noah left for school, a shower was at the top of her list, but right now. Now, all she wanted was to take a pain pill and go to bed.

"Anything you need," Ed asked.

"Just give me a few minutes in there," she said nodding toward the bathroom. "Then, I'm probably going to need your help getting into bed."

He didn't say anything for fear of calling attention to her direct request for help and pissing her off. He once again sat on the edge of her bed and waited.

A few minutes later, she emerged. He helped her into bed and pulled of the socks he'd helped her put on only hours ago. She frowned.

"You wanted to keep them on?" He asked.

"No, never mind," she said.

"Okay." He took her calf in one hand and peeled off her sock.

"It's," she began, but hesitated. "It's probably been a week since I shaved my legs, they feel gross. Sorry."

He had to swallow his laugh. That hadn't crossed his mind, and now was definitely not the time to think about how smooth and silky her skin usually was.

"No problem," he said opting not to linger anymore on the topic of her legs. "You need anything else?"

She looked at her nightstand and saw her phone, water and medication. "I think I'm good."

"Okay, night," he said and left her bedroom.

Olivia was asleep in minutes. Ed, on the other hand, was now focused on memories of her legs. He remembered the times he'd kissed his way from her ankle, up the inside of her thigh, to her…

"Dammit," he cursed under his breath. He had to get himself under control. She was still reluctant about letting him help her much less talk of getting back together. And here he was thinking about getting back in her bed.

At the hospital he'd thought she seemed open to talking about "them." Now she seemed to have retreated from that idea completely. He decided to take a quick shower. A cold one.

* * *

The next morning started out uneventful, but that changed the minute Lucy arrived to take Noah to school. He did not want to leave Olivia.

It had taken all three adults to convince him. Olivia wasn't normally one to give in to tantrums, but she'd come close this time. She was still doubting herself when Ed joined her on the couch.

"He'll be fine," he said.

"Are you sure it was right to make him go?" She asked in an uncharacteristic moment of uncertainty.

"He has to go back eventually, and the longer we let him stay home, the harder it would be." Ed answered simply.

"I guess you're right." Part of her agreed, but part of her still worried. It had only been one day.

"Besides," Ed continued. "I meant what I told him about coming to get him if he really needs me to."

He patted her knee and went to get himself another cup of coffee.

That did make her feel better. Noah knew that she was only a phone call away.

Once Ed returned, Olivia's thoughts turned to taking a shower. She'd need to wrap up the cast on her arm, and she had no idea how she was going to wash her hair with one hand. Especially when she could barely raise that arm. She sighed.

"You still worried about Noah?" Ed asked.

"No, you're right," she said. "He'll be fine."

Ed waited a beat before he asked his next question because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear her answer. "Then what's wrong?"

"I haven't had a shower in two and a half days," she said with a huff.

He laughed with relief that she wasn't upset.

"I could help you," he said.

She rolled her eyes.

"What?" He said with feigned innocence. "It's not like I've never seen you naked before. Hell, it's not even like I've never been in the shower with you before."

Olivia blushed at the thought. He was right, but he was teasing her now. Wasn't he?

They both fell quiet and cautiously eyed each other.

She desperately wanted a shower, and while she thought she could handle it, for the most part, there was no way she could wash her own hair. But there was also no way she was going to let him help her. She knew he was expecting them to move back into a relationship, but she needed more time and a clearer head.

"Liv, I'm just giving you a hard time," he said when he realized she wasn't responding. "Having said that, you know I'll help you in any way that I can."

She relaxed, but only a little.

"I think I can manage a quick shower," she said quietly.

Ed took the hint. Without a word, he stood and helped her to her bathroom. Then he made sure everything she needed was in easy reach before leaving her alone.

He sighed when he closed the door. He hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be to have to touch her without really touching her, to be with her without really being with her.

It was agony.

* * *

 _a/n: Poor Ed... How is Liv going to react to needing him for days on end for simple routine tasks? (hint: not well) Will Ed confront her about their hospital convo? Will Liv let him back into her heart or will she retreat? ?_


End file.
